


Epiphany

by Song_of_the_Black_Wolf



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Gen, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), Self-Discovery, Swearing, Teenage Drama, Teenage Parent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-25 01:42:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9796814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Song_of_the_Black_Wolf/pseuds/Song_of_the_Black_Wolf
Summary: Following the death of his mother, Levi is left to pick up the pieces and keep his remaining family happy.  He takes this responsibility very seriously.  He thinks he's doing a really good job of this until his world is turned upside down when his father announces he is remarrying and that they are all moving across the country.  Will Levi be able to adjust and keep his family happy, or will the responsibility overwhelm him?  Will he ever be able to find happiness of his own?





	1. Flipping the Ship

 

 

_**EPIPHANY: a moment when one suddenly realizes or understands something important** _

****

I thought I was happy and that everything in life was going just fine until the day I drove home after school with my two sisters to find a large moving truck in front of our house.  We rarely saw Dad because he often worked very late at the office and he traveled a lot for work.  Since Mom died four years ago, I have been taking care of my sisters, Mikasa, who is a year and half younger than me, and Isabel, who is three and half years younger.

 

We’ve been getting along pretty good, if I do say so myself.  Okay, so nothing is perfect, but we split up the cleaning chores and I have, thanks to Mom’s tutelage, become an excellent cook.  Of course, it helps that my sisters are not especially picky eaters.  We get up every morning, have breakfast and I drive them to school.  Luckily the elementary school, the middle school Isabel just started and the high school Mika and I go to are on the same campus, so it’s easy.  Mika has her track and field practice after school, and Isabel has her drama club.  Me, I just focus on my grades, though I do play piano recreationally.  Mom taught me from an early age.

 

We usually came home around 6pm, had supper and did our homework before going to bed.  I usually stayed up to see that Dad came home safely and occasionally heated up leftovers for him.  He rarely came home before 9pm.  We had all settled into a comfortable routine.  Dad had been going on far more business trips over the past year, but we scarcely noticed since he was almost never home anyway.  If you look up the word ‘workaholic’ in the dictionary, there’s a picture of my Dad by it.

 

That Wednesday night, as we approached the house, Isabel was the first to actually voice the question that burned in all of our minds.  “Levi, why are they taking all our stuff?!”

 

“That’s strange.  Dad’s car is in the driveway.  He’s back from his trip early,” Mikasa commented.

 

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.  “It’s okay.  We’ll just ask Dad what’s going on,” I tried to reassure my sisters.  It’s hard to reassure others when you are very unsure yourself.

 

I pulled up alongside the curb across the street from our house since the movers were blocking the driveway.  We all grabbed our packs and all but ran up into the house. There was chaos everywhere we looked.  I couldn’t help but cringe slightly at all the dirt being tracked in on the hardwood floors by the movers. 

 

Poor Isabel and Mika both looked terribly pale as they saw the all but empty house.  “What’s going on?” Mika whispered in horror.

 

“Ah! Good!  You’re finally home! I was beginning to wonder.  You’re so late,” Dad exclaimed as if nothing were going on.  His voice seemed to echo off the walls of the almost empty living room.

 

I glanced at my watch.  5:07pm.  “Actually, we’re early for a school night,” I replied.  “What the fu – what’s going on here?”  I barely caught myself before cussing at my father – and believe me, I **_wanted_** to cuss him out, but not with my sisters right there worrying.  I needed to stay strong and be mature for them.

 

“I have some very exciting news for all of you,” Dad began.  I could feel my world crumbling at those words.  “We’re moving to Portland, Oregon!”

 

“What?”  My voice was barely a whisper I was so shocked.  This couldn’t get any worse.  I could see mixed excitement and trepidation in Isabel’s eyes, but pure fear in Mika’s.  Isabel was the sort who made new friends easily and was able to maintain long distance friendships, not to mention her love of adventure.  Mika, on the other hand, was more like me.  She didn’t make friends easily.  It took her a long time to warm up to people.  Mina, Thomas and Frida were her only close friends.  Luckily for me, Mika and Izzy were my only friends, and they were going with me.

 

“Well,” Dad continued.  “I’m getting married and we’re moving in with Carla and her son, Eren in Oregon.  I’ve quit the office here in Chicago and have a new job waiting in Portland.  It will be fewer hours and less travel, so I’ll be able to spend more time with my family.”

 

Mika looked ready to kill something, and Izzy looked completely lost.  I placed a hand on Mika’s arm to hold her back and to keep her from blurting out the words I knew she’d regret later.  “And just when did you plan on letting . . .”  I caught myself before I finished what I was starting to shout at him.  “When did this happen?”  I tried to sound calm and rational, but I know I felt a quiver in my voice.

 

“About a year ago, I met Carla Jaëger while I was on a business trip to Portland.  She was a waitress for the catering company that hosted the dinner at the conference.  We went out for coffee after, had a few laughs and we decided that we had a lot in common, so we’ve been meeting frequently since then.  A couple of months ago, I asked her to marry me and she said yes.  So, I arranged to take a job in Portland and to move out there as soon as possible.  We’ll be stopping in Denver for the actual wedding, since that’s where most of her family is.   We’ll be leaving first thing in the morning.”

 

Two months?  He’s been planning this for two whole fucking months?  And he’s just now seen fit to tell his children about this?  He’s not even giving us a chance to adjust to the idea of a stepmother.  He’s not giving us a chance to say goodbye to friends and classmates.  Mika has a track meet on Saturday and Izzy was so excited to get the lead in Peter Pan this year.  What the actual fuck?!

 

I was still holding Mika back and had my other arm around Izzy’s shoulders.  “Very well.  We’ll go pack,” I said emotionlessly.

 

* * *

 

 

Izzy, thankfully, was excited about this new adventure.  It was a part of the girl’s irrepressible charm.  She had bright red hair and large teal green eyes (we can thank great-grandpa Sedley for those features) that would catch anyone’s attention.  She had an equally bright personality to match.  She could get along with anyone and her enthusiasm was contagious – except for right now. 

 

I was grateful that she was so excited and looking forward to seeing a new place and making new friends.  She was imagining what our new step mother would be like.  “I bet she’s real pretty and will teach me all sorts of new things!  And I’m gonna have another big brother!”

 

She was in the kitchen, calling up all of her friends to tell them what was happening and tell them that she would stay in contact and send lots of texts and pictures.  She was quite the socialite.  I had no fear of her getting along just fine in a new school.

 

I went to my sisters’ room to check on Mikasa.  She had all her clothes packed and ready to go and she sat dejectedly on the edge of her bed.  She looked a lot like Mom.  She had Mom’s delicate facial features and her storm grey eyes.  She keeps her ebony hair a little more than shoulder length and at fifteen years old is already becoming a lovely young woman.   “I can’t believe he’s doing this to us,” she said bitterly as I sat down beside her.  “And don’t you dare try to defend him this time!”

 

“I’m not defending him, Mika.  He should have told us a long time ago so we could mentally prepare ourselves.”

 

“Why can’t we just stay here?” she asked.  “You’re the one who’s been taking care of us since Mom died.  Dad’s almost never around anyway.  And you have all that money you earn from the stock market.  Why don’t we just stay here with you and let Dad move on?”

 

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought the same exact thing, but I couldn’t let Mikasa know that.   I looked into her stormy eyes as I thought how to answer her.  “Because it wouldn’t be right.  Just because he’s handled this situation all wrong doesn’t give us the right to make it worse.  We have to at least give this a chance.  It’s supposed to be a happy time for Dad and his fiancé.”

 

“But, Levi, don’t you see?  He’s been leaving us alone in favor of being with this woman and her son,” Mikasa protested.  “They’re the reason he hasn’t been around for the past year.  He’s been spending time with them instead of us!”

 

Again, I’d been thinking the very same thing.  “I know it looks like that –“

 

“It doesn’t just **_look_** like that!  That’s the way it **_is_**!” Mikasa was starting to get loud.

 

“Mika, please.  You’ll upset Isabel.  Please just give this a chance.  It takes a lot of courage for a woman to take on a new family with three teenage kids she’s never met before.  Regardless of what Dad’s done, we shouldn’t make things more difficult than they already are.  We need to show ourselves to be better than that.  I’m begging you Mika, try to be pleasant and polite to Carla when you meet her.  This is supposed to be a happy time, so we should try our best to make things as easy as we can for everyone,” I explained.  “We don’t have to like it, Mika.  We just have to make the best of it.   Can you do that for me?”

 

Mikasa leaned on my shoulder and began to cry softly.  “I will, Levi.  But only for you and Izzy.”

 

I put my arms around her and let her cry.  I had all I could do to suppress the urge to scream in frustration.  But see, that’s the thing about me; I’m one of those ‘don’t rock the boat’ kind of people.  I do everything in my power to keep things peaceful and calm.  I’m one of those people that avoids conflict at all costs – even if it means getting Mikasa to take her anger and frustration out on me.  As for me, I keep my frustration deep inside so as not to upset my sisters and to be a good example to them.  Believe you me, that is NOT easy.

 

* * *

 

The drive to Denver had been uneventful.  Izzy and Mika took turns in the front seat beside me as we drove, Izzy talking incessantly.  Good thing both Mika and I enjoy her ceaseless, happy chatter.  We followed behind Dad, stopping only for gas and snacks.  We stopped that night at a hotel that, much to Isabel’s delight, had a swimming pool.  That night I ended up with both girls sleeping on my bed.  I guess they were comfortable enough, but as the unfortunate hot water bottle/body pillow, I found it difficult to sleep. 

 

We were in the hotel suite the next morning getting ready for the wedding.  It was actually going to be a real wedding in a church rather than a quickie with a JP as I had first thought.   I had already helped Izzy get her dress fastened and her hair into a French braid.  She was so excited to be taking part in the wedding as a flower girl.  It was the first wedding any of us had been to.

 

Mikasa was less enthused even though she was to be a bride’s maid.   I was currently braiding her silky black hair, adding in baby’s breath as I had done with Isabel.  “We haven’t even met the woman yet,” she complained.

 

“I know,” I told her gently.  “But this is supposed to be a happy day of celebration, so please, at least try to be pleasant and try to have fun.  Carla may be a very nice woman.”

 

“I know, Levi, but . . . why did everything have to change?  We were doing just fine the way we were.”

 

“Life is all about changes.  We have to adapt.  We’ve no other choice.  There, done.  You look beautiful, Mika.  Just like Mom.”

 

Mikasa smiled wanly at our reflections.  In as much as Mikasa looked like our mother, I looked more like Dad.  I had Mom’s jet black hair, which I kept short and in an undercut, but my eyes were an unusual light silver – almost ghost like.  My facial features, however, were very much like Dad’s.  Another trait I inherited from Mom, unfortunately, was my height.  I had determined that I was forever doomed to never grow above 5’3”.  Dad was a good 5’11”, so I figure I’m a bit of a disappointment to him in that aspect.

 

“C’mon you two.  It would probably be a good idea if we actually met our step mother before the actual wedding.”  I gave my reflection one last critical look before snorting derisively at it.  I looked ridiculous in that suit and tie.  As soon as the ceremony was done I was changing back into my jeans and tee shirt. 

 

We pulled up to the church, and I was surprised by how full the parking lot was.  We found Dad waiting just inside the side doors.  “Ah! Good!  You actually made it in time!” Dad greeted us happily.  You’d think I made a habit of being late to everything the way he said it.  I’ll have you know I make a point of being **_early_** for everything.  I was an hour early to the church for the express purpose of getting a chance to get to know our future step mother and brother at least a little before the wedding. 

 

“WOW!  You’re beautiful!!” Isabel exclaimed when she saw who I can only assume was Carla Jaëger.  The woman was indeed lovely.  She didn’t seem old enough to have a son only three months younger than me.  She had long chocolate brown hair that was currently done up in a beautiful loose French braid with baby’s breath.  Her eyes were large and brown and full of compassion – and a touch of trepidation.  I had a feeling that this woman was going to be easy to get along with.

 

“Why thank you!” the woman replied.  “You’re quite the lovely young lady yourself.  You must be Isabel.”

 

“I’ll be my red hair gave it away,” Isabel giggled.  I couldn’t help but smile just a little; I loved that girl’s laugh.  It was like the joyful chirping of birds in springtime.  She had a real talent for making those around her happy.

 

“Carla, I’d like you to meet my other two children,” Dad interjected.  “This is my oldest girl, Mikasa.”

 

Mikasa nodded shyly and slowly extended her hand for a shake while mumbling a shy, “Hello.”

 

“And this is my son, Levi.  He’s the same age as Eren.  This, children, is my bride, Carla.”

 

I decided to be the happy medium between my two sister’s greetings and boldly extended my hand to Carla.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Jaë – um – Ack – uh”  Real fucking smooth Levi!  I just totally fell on my face there.

 

Carla had a wonderful laugh that was both hearty and light at the same time.  She took my outstretched hand in both of hers.  “Just call me Carla.  And it’s a pleasure meeting all of you too.”  She then turned to the boy, that until now, had been successfully hiding in the background unnoticed.  “This is my son, Eren.”

 

Isabel pounced on the poor kid before he even had a chance to acknowledge the introduction.  “Hi!  I’m Isabel, but everyone calls me Izzy!   I’m so excited about having **_two_** big brothers!”

 

“Um . . . nice to meet you,” the boy answered nervously but with a smile that could light up an entire football stadium.  He was the spitting image of his mother; soft chocolate brown hair and large expressive eyes.  But instead of brown, they were the most unusual shade of light bluish green.

 

I nudged Mikasa who was just glaring at the poor kid.  She half heartedly shook hands with a mumbled hello.  I flicked her elbow in reprimand. 

 

I offered my hand to the boy.  “Nice to meet you, Eren.”

 

There was something in his expression that I couldn’t quite place as he took my hand, smiled and replied, “Yeah.  Nice to meet you too, roommate.”

 

I shot Dad a confused glare.  **_Roommate??_** I was going to have to share a room with this kid I just barely met?  This kid is having to give up half of his room for me?  Okay, so if I go to college, I won’t have any say in who my roommate is, but this isn’t college.  How many more rude surprises are we in for??  Does this mean that Mika and Izzy will be sharing a room too??  Not that they would mind seeing as they’d always shared a room to sleep in.  I was seriously pissed at Dad, but I managed to maintain my neutral emotionless façade.

 

“You’ll have to excuse, Levi.  He’s not the most socialized boy in the world,” Dad explained, sounding a little embarrassed.

 

I looked at Dad in shock. “Where the f-ff-“ I caught myself before I shouted out the rest of ‘Where the fuck do you get off saying that?  You don’t even know me!’  Instead, I held my tongue, lowered my head and said, “I’m sorry.  You’re right.”

 

Like Mikasa, I liked routine and hated change – even small changes.  This was no small change.  This was a **_huge_** change.  It was getting increasingly difficult to keep my sisters balanced when I myself was so off balance.  

 

It was a beautiful ceremony, and I was surprised by the number of people in attendance.  Turns out Carla had a very big family.  The reception was actually being held outdoors at the country club a short drive away.   It was unusually warm for the end of September, so it was really very pleasant being outside in the sun. 

 

Izzy and Mikasa were entertaining themselves by the koi pond after all the pictures had been taken.  I needed a few minutes to myself to think.  I found a secluded spot under the shade of a yellowing weeping willow on a bench beside a wishing well.  I had stood and was leaning on the edge of the well staring at all of the copper and silver coins glinting in the sunlight at the bottom.    I was wishing that I would wake up and find out this was all just a bad dream. 

 

I had promised Mom to keep the family together and to make sure Izzy and Mika were raised the way Mom had taught.  I had promised to keep everyone happy.  “How am I gonna do that now?”

 

“How are you going to do what?”  I stood up a little too quick and knocked the back of my head on the well’s bucket crank.  I hadn’t realized I had spoken aloud for one.  I hadn’t even noticed Carla approaching for another.

 

“I’m sorry, Carla.  I was just thinking out loud.”

 

She went and sat on the bench and indicated that I should do the same.  I sat beside her and she took my hand in her warm and deceptively delicate one.  “I have to admit,” I began.  “I really admire your courage.  It can’t be easy to marry into a family with three teenagers you’ve never even met before.”

 

She smiled sweetly.  “It’s true.  I’ve been terribly nervous.  I still am.  It will take time and patience for us to settle in as we get to know each other.”

 

“Tell me something, what exactly do you see in my father?  Frankly, I sometimes wonder what Mom ever saw in him.”

 

Carla giggled at that question.  “I **_still_** wonder what my mother ever saw in my father.  Honestly, after Grisha died in that accident, I thought I’d never fall in love again.  But then I met your father quite by accident . . . literally.”

 

I raised an eyebrow.  “Literally?”

 

“He never told you how we met?”

 

I snorted before I could catch myself.  “Are you kidding me?  He never even . . .”  No.  I can’t tell her that.  This is supposed to be the happiest day of her life.  Don’t go fucking it up.  “He didn’t give us any details,” I corrected with a small chuckle.

 

From the way she looked at me, I knew Carla had caught my near angry slip.  But she smiled instead and answered.  “I was one of the waitresses for the catering company that was hosting the dinner at a conference your father was at.  I came out the doors from the kitchen and literally ran into him.  It’s a miracle that the dry cleaners were able to get those marsala stains out of his suit.”

 

I found myself laughing in spite of myself.  “That poses quite the picture.  I wish I could have seen that.”

 

“Oh, it was quite the sight.  Your father standing there, perfectly coiffed and wearing pasta, salad and chicken all over,” Carla laughed.  “Not may love stories start out that way.”

 

“He says he’s known you for just over a year,” I commented.

 

Carla gave me another strange look.  “Yes.  We’ve spent a lot of time together.  We’ve done a lot of hiking and camping.  He even took Eren out deep sea fishing.”

 

Wait.  What?  He took Eren fishing??  He’s never done anything like that with me!  He’s never done anything with me period.  Okay, Levi.  Stay calm.  It’s not Carla or Eren’s fault that Dad loves them more . . . Keep things calm, just like Mom would have wanted.

 

“You and your sister’s must feel like I’ve been stealing your father away from you,” Carla said sadly.

 

Yeah, that’s exactly what Mikasa and I think.  “Of course not.  If that were true, he wouldn’t have brought us out here with him.  He’d have just left us in Chicago.  It’s just a big change.  That’s all.”

 

Carla smiled again.  That was definitely where Eren got his smile from.  “Thank you, Levi.  I’ve been very nervous about meeting all of you.  But I guess you’ve all been nervous too.  We’ll make this work out – together – as a family.”

 

I watched her walk away, then leaned forward and buried my face in my hands.  Forget not rocking the boat.  The ship has been completely flipped over!  “How am I going to make this work??”

 

 

 


	2. Close Quarters

The drive to Portland was nothing short of awkward.  Dad and Carla were together in his car, and I had Eren back in mine.  I kept Mikasa in the front seat with me to avoid her glaring at Eren the whole time.  Isabel did exactly as I had known she would and kept an animated conversation going with her ‘new big brother’.  Mikasa’s scowl deepened with every passing moment, especially when Eren spoke of the things our father had done with him.  If it bothered Izzy, she never showed it, but Mika was madder than a hornet. 

 

“Mika, call Carla’s phone and tell them we need to stop for a piss break,” I told her.  The last thing I needed was for her to blow up here in the car.   As soon as I stopped the car in front of the rest rooms, she got out without a word, slamming the door as she stormed straight into the ladies’ room.

 

“Um . . . is she gonna be . . . you know . . . okay?” Eren asked me nervously.  I don’t blame him for being a little scared.  I may have sounded a little harsher than intended when I laid down the ground rules for riding in my car.  It was a brand new, fully loaded black Dodge Charger that I had worked very hard to save up for.  Okay, worked is not necessarily the word.  I played the stock market extra carefully so I could afford to buy that car as well as set money aside for college for me and my sisters, as well as money to spend on their school activities and just spoiling them in general.

 

Needless to say, I didn’t want anyone messing that car up.  No crumbs, drinks covered at all times, no tracking in dirt, no finger or nose or forehead prints on the windows, no slamming the doors (and yes, I will be speaking to Mikasa about that later).  I’m pretty sure I came off sounding like a complete ass when I laid down the law of the Charger to Eren.  He’d been so awed when he saw the car in the first place and I shot the poor flop down in .02 seconds flat.

 

“She’ll be fine,” I told him.  “I’ll take care of her.  As for you, I suggest that you go now or forever hold your pee.”

 

Eren actually chuckled.  “Right.”

 

Izzy replied with a laughing, “Ewwww! Gross!”

 

I was waiting outside the ladies’ room door and grabbed Mikasa as she walked out.  I took her out to the unoccupied picnic area beyond the restrooms.

 

“Yeah, I know, Levi.  I shouldn’t have slammed the car door.  I’m really sorry.  I wasn’t thinking.”

 

“Obviously,” I told her dryly, then sighed.  “Listen.  I know it’s not easy listening to Eren talk about all the things Dad has done with him but never with us.”

 

“Levi, he never even talks to you, but he takes this stupid kid he’s known less than a year out fishing and spends extra time with him!  What about us?  How come he won’t take us camping or fishing?”  Tears began to fall from her lovely eyes, and my heart broke seeing it.  “What did we do wrong, Levi?  Why doesn’t he love us anymore?”

 

I put my arms around her.  “I don’t think it’s that, Mika.  He’s just forgotten how to show it.  It’s easier to be nice to a stranger, sometimes, than to your own family.”

 

“But, Levi . . .”

 

“Mika, if he really didn’t love us, he wouldn’t have brought us out here with him.  He would have abandoned us in Chicago with no word.  He’s handling this wrong, I agree, but it’s up to us to handle this right in spite of his mistakes.”

 

At this point, Mikasa beat her fists against my chest.  “It’s not fair!” she shouted.  “They’ve had all of his time and attention and we’re just an afterthought!  And we’re the ones that have to be nice about it and make this work out!   IT’S NOT FAIR!”

 

I let her continue to sob until she finally was reduced to just a sniffle here and there.  “You’re right, Mika.  It’s not fair.  But life rarely is.  Fair or not, we have to prove ourselves strong and show that we are above holding grudges.   It’s not easy, but we have to do it.  For Isabel’s sake if nothing else.”

 

“Carla seems to be a very kind and loving woman that is going to put a lot of effort into making this new family work, so the least we can do is help her.  Do you understand what I’m getting at?  If we all try hard enough, we may actually find that we like being a family with her and Eren.  We need only give it a chance.”

 

“And if it doesn’t work?  What then, Levi?”  Mikasa stepped back and looked me in the eye.

 

I sighed.  “Worst case scenario; we pack up and move back to Chicago without Dad.  But only if things are truly intolerable.  I expect you to try every bit as hard as I am, okay?”

 

Mikasa nodded, then smiled wanly.  “Okay.  I’ll stop being such a bitch.”

 

“My sister – a bitch? **_Never_**!” I laughed as I tussled her hair.

 

“Levi!  Cut it out!” she yelled as she straightened her mussed up hair while we walked back to the car. 

 

* * *

 

The house was absolutely stunning!  It was a nice smoky tan with dark brown trim and shutters and stood on a hilltop that had a spectacular view of Portland to one side and the forest and mountains to the other.  There was actually some land with it – enough that they had about a dozen horses and some chickens and milking goats. 

 

Izzy was practically bouncing off the walls of the car in excitement.  “WOW!  It’s like a real farm!  Do we get to ride the horses?  Can I help feed the horses?  Do I get to milk a goat?  Can I collect the eggs?  Do I –“

 

“Come up for air, Izzy!” I interrupted.  “I never expected the place to be this nice.”

 

“Dad was a really good neurosurgeon.   If it hadn’t been for that drunk driver . . .” Eren replied.  “He invested his money wisely, so Mom and I were able to keep this place because he had paid the house off so there was no mortgage.”

 

“Smart man,” was my only comment.

 

“Where’s the moving van?” Mikasa asked.

 

“Good question,” I answered.  “The house isn’t **_that_** large, so I doubt if all our stuff could fit in here.”

 

“But my stuff . . . my books and computer and desk.  What about my bed and my track and field equipment?”  Mikasa was sounding a little panicky.

 

“Easy, Mika.  We’ll find out in a minute.”  I tried to reassure her.  It was unusual for Mikasa to be this emotional.  She’s usually so stoic about everything.  I guess this change is just too big for even Mika to take laying down.  “Our stuff may be in that container next to the driveway under the pine trees.  We’ll probably have to pick and choose based on the space available in the house.” 

 

The house turned out to be bigger than we first thought.  It had four bedrooms and three and half bathrooms and a full recreation room in the basement as well as a couple of offices up in the attic.  The garage could actually hold four cars, so Carla’s, Dad’s and my car could all be under cover.

 

“Listen up, everyone!” Dad announced.  “I have movers coming tomorrow to bring in the stuff we’re going to keep.  Whatever we don’t bring in, we’ll either store above the garage or donate.  We can’t keep everything, so we’re going to have to pick and choose what we really want to keep.”

 

We grabbed our clothes bags and headed in to our new home.  It was a very nice, clean house with contemporary design and furnishings.   The kitchen, living and dining rooms were all open concept with a large fireplace over to one side of the living area.  A massive wall of windows spread across the back of the room displaying a spectacular panoramic view of the city.

 

Eren took us upstairs to show us our rooms.  As I had suspected, Mikasa and Isabel would be sharing a room.  The bed was a two tier with the bottom full size bed perpendicular to the wall with nightstands built in on either side, and the top full size bed being parallel to the wall with a nightstand and shelf built in at the head and along the wall itself.  It was really an ingenious design.  The large walk in closet was actually more than big enough to hold all their clothes.  Two desks were already set up and waiting for their computers and other paraphernalia.  It was a surprisingly large and spacious room with a seating area with two chairs and a reading lamp.

 

Izzy claimed top bunk, much to Mika’s and my amusement.  No surprise there.  “It’s a lot nicer than I was expecting,” Mika commented.  “Nice view of the horses from the window.  I like it.”

 

Good.  I don’t have to worry about them.  They were already unpacking their clothes to the sounds of Deadmou5 on Mika’s phone while Eren showed me to our room.  It was a mirror image of Mika and Izzy’s room; the same bed and everything.   The difference, however, was that this room was already decorated to Eren’s tastes.

 

Eren was quickly gathering up the clothes that were scattered about on the floor, blushing with embarrassment.  He must have noticed me cringe at the sight when I walked in.  There was a faint funk in the air that stated that a teenaged male lived in this room.  Not sure if the room had ever been dusted . . . or vacuumed – is that a fucking cheese puff on the floor?

 

“I’ve always slept on the bottom bunk, but I don’t mind sleeping on the top one if you’d prefer,” Eren stated as he shoved his clothes into a hamper.

 

I couldn’t help but wonder about how much dust was up on the unused upper bunk.  “I think I’ll be sleeping on the sofa.  This room is filthy.”

 

I inwardly facepalmed the instant I saw the ‘deer in the headlights’ look in Eren’s eyes when I said that.  Nice going, Levi.  Way to keep the peace.

 

Eren then chuckled and scratched the back of his head nervously.  “I guess I really do need to clean this room.  I can wash all the sheets and clothes and vacuum the floor and clean everything before bed, I think.”

 

Gotta give the kid credit.  He’s trying – which is more than I can say for myself at the moment.  “No.  We’ll do it together.” I replied as I set my bag down just outside the door.  I stripped the bedding and had Eren show me to the laundry room.  Two hours later, we had the room cleaned to my exacting standards.  Eren is now fully aware of just how OCD I can be when it comes to having a clean living environment.

 

I had just finished making my bed when I finally noticed the most wonderful smell.  “Kids!  Dinner’s ready!” Carla called up the stairs to us.

 

She’s been riding in a car all day, helping Mika, Izzy and Dad unpack, and she still made dinner for us?   Wow!  I have to tell you, after days of lousy hotel and rest stop food, the plate of hot meat loaf, green beans and real mashed potatoes and the basket of homemade biscuits looked and smelled like heaven.  I took a bite of meatloaf . . . yep . . . tasted like heaven too.  I **_definitely_** needed to get her recipe!

 

“Fantastic meal, as usual, Carla,” Dad complimented.

 

“Yeah!  It’s even better than Levi’s!” Isabel agreed.

 

“Izzy!” Mikasa admonished.

 

“It’s okay,” I told her.  “Izzy’s right.”

 

“You girls will finally be able to start eating right with Carla around.  You’ll get some good meals for once,” Dad told them.

 

Mika’s eyes darkened.  Even Izzy paused in shock.  “Excuse me?” Mika began dangerously.

 

“Mika,” I said warningly, giving her a look that said ‘drop it’.

 

“But, Levi –“  My gaze was locked on hers, resulting in her giving in.  “Sorry,” she mumbled.

 

Dad looked genuinely baffled.  “Did I say something wrong?”

 

“No, Dad.  It’s fine,” I replied quickly before Mika got any ideas.

 

There was a brief but awkward silence as everyone ate.   A silence that, unfortunately, Dad broke.  “I’ve already done all of the transfer paperwork for all of you, and you’ll be starting school with Eren, the day after tomorrow.   Levi, I would greatly appreciate it if you didn’t start any fights just because someone says something about your height.”

 

Mikasa almost choked.  Admittedly, so did I.  Great.  Now my new step mother and step brother think I’m some kind of school thug that gets into fights all the time.  I didn’t want to admit it, but that really hurt.

 

“How can you –“  Again I caught myself before I shouted anything I might regret.  If I shouted at Dad like some complete brat, they would think of me as some unbalanced and short tempered asshole.  Okay, so I am a short tempered asshole, but I need to be mature and reasonable.  “I’m sorry.  I won’t get into any fights.”

 

Mikasa rolled her eyes and sighed, giving me the all too familiar look of ‘how much longer, Levi’.

 

I picked at my food for a moment, my stomach in knots.  “If everyone will excuse me.  I think I’m a little over tired from all that driving.  My stomach is little upset.”

 

“Of course, dear,” Carla said.  “Is there anything you need?”

 

I stood to take my plate to the kitchen.  “No.  Thank you.  I’ll be fine.”

 

Instead of going to my room – or rather **_our_** room – I headed outside.  I sat down on a log under a large tree and gazed out over the brightly lit city.  It was **_one_** fucking fight!  And it wasn’t because someone called me short.  It was my first day of high school, and the resident bully was making the rounds showing the freshmen who was boss.  I mean seriously?!  This is the 21 st century!  Who does that anymore?

 

Anyway, as I was picking up Mika and Izzy from the middle school next door, the bully and his gang decided to pick on this scrawny bespectacled kid carrying an armload of books.  I recognized the boy with the glasses.  He was a junior, and was probably a frequent target of the bullies.  I had managed to avoid the bullies all day, but when the leader punched the poor kid for no reason, I stepped in.  Mikasa and Izzy helped too.  But I took the blame for the real damage to keep my sisters out of trouble.  Dad had been called but no punishment was handed out by the school, since it was agreed that I was acting in defense of another student.

 

But why did Dad have to bring that up at the table?  Why did he have to make it sound like I go around looking for fights – or that I was the one who started it?  Does he really think I’m the kind of person that would start a fight because someone calls me short??  Just because he’s ashamed of my height doesn’t mean I’m bothered by it.  He probably doesn’t even know what really happened.  He just heard my name and fight in the same sentence when the school called and assumed the worst.  That is what hurts the most.  I felt sick.  I knew I’d been a disappointment to Dad since the day I was born. 

 

You see, he’d never wanted a boy.  He didn’t want that kind of responsibility.  How do I know this?  I had the grave misfortune of overhearing Dad and his brother, David, talking in the study one night.  It was just after Mom had died.  I came in on the middle of the conversation.

 

* * *

 

 

_“And this from the guy who swore he’d never have kids!” I heard Uncle Dave exclaim._

_“I know.  But things change.  People change,” Dad replied.  “The girls were always easy, because Kuchel always took care of them.  Levi has always been a problem for me though.”_

_Wait, I’m a problem for Dad??_

_Uncle Dave laughed. “The little squirt doesn’t quite live up the Ackerman name, does he?”_

_“It’s not that.  It’s just that I don’t know how to handle him.  I have nothing in common with him.” Dad replied. “I just . . . I know I said I never wanted a son.”_

_I could feel my heart in my throat as unshed tears stung my eyes.  He never wanted me?_

_I would have listened for more, hoping I had heard wrong, but I could hear Isabel and Mikasa crying again.  Mom’s death was hard on them so I went to go comfort them._

* * *

 

“Levi?”

 

I looked up in surprise at Carla as she came to sit beside me.  “Hey,” I said non-commitally. 

 

“Are you okay?  Was the food not to your liking?”

 

“No!  The food was incredible!  I just . . . I’m just not feeling well.  Too much travel and excitement and not enough sleep.  Nothing to worry about,” I assured her.

 

 She began to gently rub my back between my shoulders as she spoke.  “I get the feeling that you don’t get along with your father too well.”

 

“What?  No!  It’s just that he’s works so late at night so often and is off on business trips so much that we don’t really get to spend a lot of time together.”

 

“From Mikasa’s reaction, I think it’s more than that.”

 

I leaned forward and rested my head in my hands.  “I’m so sorry, Carla.  It’s my fault really.  This is supposed to be a happy time and the last thing you need is an angsty teenager with excess baggage.”

 

Carla continued to rub my back soothingly.  “Levi, I knew things weren’t going to be perfect when I entered into this marriage.  We’re a family now, and I accept that responsibility willingly.  I will help you in every way I can if you’ll let me.  I’m not pretending that I can in any way replace your mother, but I can still be there for you when you need me.  I will gladly support you when you need it and I will correct you when you need it.  I do this because I care.  I care about your father, about your sisters and I care about you.”

 

Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry.   “Thank you.  I’ll do my best to make this transition as easy as possible.”

 

“Levi,” she said quietly.  “Please be honest with me.  This isn’t the first time you’ve almost shouted at your father but caught yourself.  You shouldn’t hold your frustrations in.  It can only hurt you.”

 

“I know,” I answered her softly.  Oh, how I wanted to confide in her, but she didn’t need my burdens thrust upon her shoulders.  I refused to tarnish the image of the man she had fallen in love with and married.  “I’m not frustrated.  I just trying to learn to keep my temper in check.”  Yeah, that’s believable.  And I do have a bit of a temper that needs taming from time to time.

 

Carla didn’t buy it, though.  “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m right here.  I won’t judge you.  I’ll just listen if that’s all you want, but I’ll help if that’s what you want.  It’s up to you, Levi.”

 

I reached over and gave her hand a squeeze.  “You have no idea how much that means to me.  Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

 

I was up on my bed, reading a book on my phone.  Eren came into the room, towel around his neck and his wet hair a federal disaster area.  He took off his slippers and flopped down on his bed below me.  I went back to my book.  Suddenly I could see his head peeking over the rail at me.  “Levi, can we talk?”

 

“Come on up,” I invited.

 

He didn’t need a second invitation.  He sat at the foot of my bed, lotus style, with his back against the wall.  “I’m not quite sure where to start,” he hemmed.

 

“Then let me start.”  He immediately got that ‘deer in the headlights’ look in his eyes.  “I think I owe you and apology or three.  I tend to come across like a real ass.  I hate to admit it, but Dad’s right about one thing.  I’m socially awkward.  I focus all of my attention on taking care of my sisters and getting good grades and no time on making friends.  Like Mikasa, I tend to be a little slow to warm up to people.  So, that said, I’m sorry for being an ass.  After all, we’re the ones invading **_your_** space.”

 

“No!  That’s okay!  It’s a big change for all of us.   And Mom is always scolding me for not cleaning up my room.  Start over?”  He extended his hand for a shake.  “I’m Eren.  Nice to meet you.”

 

I smiled in spite of myself and took his offered hand.  “I’m Levi.  Nice to meet you too . . . roommate.”

 

Eren’s smile was bigger than ever. 

 

 


	3. School Day

The next day we all went through everything we had in the moving container with the movers.  We got our computers set up and our music and movies and games ready to go.  Mika and Izzy had a TV and blue ray player in their room, and I had one for Eren’s and mine.  Most of the furniture from Chicago was getting donated.  Some had never even been loaded.  I was devastated when we got to the back of the container and I hadn’t see Mom’s grand piano.

 

“Dad, where’s Mom’s piano?” I asked him.

 

“I left it behind.  It’s being donated to the Music Conservatory in Chicago.  It’s not like anyone plays it anyway,” Dad replied.

 

I felt my heart skip a beat as an icy knot formed in the pit of my stomach.  “But I play it!” I shouted before I could catch myself.

 

Dad looked at me kinda funny.  “I’m sorry, Levi.  I didn’t know.”

 

“How could –“ How many times have I almost lost it over the past few days now?  “I’m sorry.  It’s not important.”

 

I picked up a box of books to put back in the container to be donated.  Dad came over and placed his hand on my shoulder.  I tensed.  “Levi, I’m sorry.  I should have known.”

 

Yeah, you should have.  I know I’ve played when you’re at home (not that it’s very often you’re home).  But instead I said, “Don’t worry about it.  It’s not important.”  I shrugged off his hand and went back to work.

 

* * *

  

This is definitely something I can get used to.  Carla had made blueberry pancakes (Eren’s favorite apparently) and scrambled eggs for breakfast.  It was nice to not have to fix breakfast before school.  And I have to say, I’m rather fond of blueberry pancakes myself. 

 

I was immensely relieved to learn that the middle school and high school were on the same campus just like back home.   The only real difference is that we had Eren in the car as well.  “Hey, let me know if you join any after school clubs.  Eren has drama after school, so we won’t be leaving right after class, okay?”

 

I hate this.  I’m the center of attention for every fucking class I go to.  I’ve lived in the same house and gone to the same school all my life til now (well, the same school campus anyway).  I had to go through the whole introduction bullshit with each and every class.  I’m in a few of the same classes as Eren, but for the most part, I’m in the more advanced classes.  No, I’m not saying Eren is dumb.  I’m just saying that I’m a bit of a book nerd – okay, a really big book nerd. 

 

The students all seemed nice enough.  In my geochemistry class I met a girl with glasses and a messy pony tail that was assigned to be my lab partner.  Her name is Zoe, and she’s kinda like a cross between Isabel, the absent minded professor and a mad scientist.  I think I’m gonna like working with her.  It won’t be boring, that’s for sure.

 

In ancient history, I met Eren’s cousin, Armin.  The kid looked kind of like a blond coconut with the way he kept his hair.  Come to think of it, if he was taller and had muscles, he’d look just like He-Man from those ancient cartoons.  He was a nice kid, though; kind and helpful.  He told me that his mother Cora and Eren’s mother were twin sisters.  Armin must take after his father.

 

Except for the whole introduction thing at the beginning of each class, the day wasn’t too bad.  I got texts from both Mikasa and Isabel that they were joining after school activities and wouldn’t be leaving until later like Eren.  Eren convinced me to come and watch the drama club’s rehearsal.   Since the middle school and high school kids formed one club, it meant Isabel had a chance to show off for me. 

 

Drama was loads of fun for Izzy.  It didn’t matter what part she played.  She didn’t care if she was a tree (and she did play a really good tree – I was impressed she could actually stand still for that long), or a set designer or a wardrobe aid or the lead.  She put her whole being into it and absolutely loved every minute of it.

 

She was too late to get a playing role in this quarter’s production, which was to be Shakespeare’s _The Tempest._   But she was going to be able to help out back stage and was asked to be a prompter.  She was thrilled.

 

Eren, who was playing the part of Prospero was having a little trouble with the end speech.   “Dammit!  I can’t seem to make this sound natural!” he complained. 

 

“C’mon, Eren.  We still have another three weeks for you to perfect it,” one of the girls, Christa, I think her name was, encouraged him.

 

As to what possessed me to speak up as I did, I will never know.  “Have you considered putting it to music?”

 

Everyone turned to look at me sitting out in the auditorium.  “Music?” Eren questioned.

 

“Think about it.  How awesome would it be if at the end of the play, when you get to Prospero’s speech that you were to sing it?” I replied.  “Loreena McKennit put it to music and I think it would be great.”  I looked around and saw a grand piano in front of the stage.  “Here, I’ll show you.”

 

I sat at the piano and started to play.  I closed my eyes and began to sing:

 

Now my charms are all o'erthrown,

And what strength I have's mine own,

Which is most faint. Now 'tis true

I must be here confined by you

Or sent to Naples. Let me not,

Since I have my dukedom got,

And pardoned the deceiver, dwell

In this bare island by your spell;

But release me from my bands

With the help of your good hands.

Gentle breath of yours my sails

Must fill, or else my project fails,

Which was to please. Now I want

Spirits to enforce, art to enchant;

And my ending is despair

Unless I be relieved by prayer,

Which pierces so, that it assaults

Mercy itself, and frees all faults.

As you from crimes would pardoned be,

Let your indulgence set me free

                    *Inspired by the arrangement by Loreena McKennit

 

I was greeted by silence as the last note faded away.  But then I nearly jumped out of my skin when everyone began cheering loudly.   “That was awesome!” Eren exclaimed. 

“Would you be willing to play that for us during the production?” the director, a teacher named Miss Ral asked.  “It would sound wonderful as a duet with you and Eren!”

 

From the heat I could feel radiating off of my ears, I’m pretty sure my face was some abhorrent shade of red.  Well . . . I guess I’ve joined the drama club.   How the fuck did that happen?

 

 

It was strange having Dad come home around 6pm.  Even we got home earlier.  We used to get home around 6, but the clubs didn’t go as long, so we were home by 5:30pm.  Carla had another fantastic smelling meal ready by the time Dad walked in the door. 

 

Roast chicken, Polish golumpkis, and cabbage and mushroom stuffed perogies . . . I can **_definitely_** get used to this! 

 

“So how was everybody’s day at school?” Dad asked with uncharacteristic enthusiasm.

 

“Fine,” Mikasa mumbled with a tiny smile and a tint of pink in her cheeks.  She’d already told me she’d made friends with a girl named Annie and been shown around by a guy named Jean (whom Eren promptly identified as ‘Horseface’).  She’d also made it onto the track team.  I think it was safe to say she had a pretty good day.

 

Needless to say, Isabel had plenty to say about all the people she’d met and how she was going to be a prompter for the drama club.  Then she got to the part where I was also in the drama club.

 

Dad looked at me in surprise, and my bite of chicken stuck in my throat.  “Really?  That’s good to hear.  It’ll be good for you to be involved in something outside the home.”  I finished swallowing.  Thank God!  He doesn’t disapprove.  “But don’t you have to maintain good grades to be in an after school club?”

 

Okay, now I choked.  In fact, I didn’t answer him right away.

 

“Levi?”

 

“Yes, sir.”  He has no fucking clue!  He’s been signing my report cards for years and he doesn’t have a fucking clue!!  I’ve had nothing but straight A’s since grade school.  Does he even realize that I’m taking advanced college level classes?  No. Of course not!  He’s only been signing my report cards for the past four years!

 

“I expect you to not let this get in the way of your real school work,” Dad told me.

 

“It won’t,” I said quietly.  Another meal ruined.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I don’t know why.  It’s not as if I don’t know how he feels about me.  Maybe it’s because he’s actually coming out and saying it – in front of everybody, no less?  Or is it because I know he likes Eren better?  Again I found myself asking to be excused saying that I had a lot of homework to do.

 

I went up to my shared room and climbed up onto the bed.  By the time Eren came in, I had almost completed my homework and I all but ignored him as I continued working away on my laptop. 

 

I gotta give the kid credit.  He’s nothing if not persistent.  He attempted several times to get my attention by not so subtly clearing his throat or coughing.  He finally stood on his bed and peeked over the railing at me.  “Levi, can we talk?”  I had all I could do not to chuckle at him.

 

“C’mon up.”  I had a definite feeling of de je vu. 

 

As with the night before, he sat lotus style at the foot of my bed with his back against the wall.  “Izzy says you can help me with my economy class.  She says you’re a genius at it.”

 

“She’s exaggerating, but sure, I’ll help if I can.”

 

“She said you play the stock market a lot.  That’s how you got your car.  How can you do something like that and you’re Dad be so completely clueless?”

 

I sighed.  So that’s it.  I guess it is kinda painfully obvious.  “Dad is always a little clueless.”

 

“You must really hate me,” Eren stated sadly.

 

Where the fuck did that come from??  “What?!  Why do you think that?  I thought we cleared things up last night.”

 

Eren wasn’t looking at me.  He was staring at his knees.  “Because I took your father away.  He’s been doing all this fun stuff with me while you were back home taking care of Mika and Izzy.  I’m so sorry.  I was so selfish that I didn’t even realize it at the time.”

 

“Whoa, hold on a second there!  I’ll admit, I did think that at first, but I don’t blame **_you_** for it.  It’s not your fault that I’m not an ideal son.  I don’t hate you at all.”

 

“I get the feeling you’ve never gotten along with your Dad.”

 

“I wouldn’t go that far.  We just live in mutual disinterest of each other.  I mean, he’s never around anyway.  He always worked late and was frequently away on business trips.”

 

Eren’s brow furrowed with concern.  “Are you saying it doesn’t bother you at all?  Cuz it sure sounded like it does.  You start to yell back at him, but catch yourself and apologize as if you were the one doing something wrong.”

 

Suddenly, curiosity gripped me.  “What, if anything did Dad tell you about us?”

 

Eren frowned as he debated what to tell me.  “He told us that Izzy is really friendly and fun and that she loves drama club.  He also said that Mika was a track star back in Chicago and that she was quiet and reserved.”

 

“And me?” I prompted when Eren paused.

 

“He . . . never really said much around me.”

 

“Eren.”

 

The kid refused to meet my gaze.  “He said that you took care of Mika and Izzy but had . . . issues.  He thought he put too much responsibility on you.”

 

“I see.  Thanks for being honest.”

 

“So what did he tell you about us?” Eren asked.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Now Eren’s sea green eyes met mine.  “What?!”

 

I was tired of holding everything in, and for some reason, I felt I could trust Eren to listen, but not tell anyone else, so I spilled everything.  “We found out when we came home from school last Wednesday and found the moving truck in front our house.”

 

Eren caught his breath.  “Wait, didn’t you at least know he was seeing someone?”

 

“He never said anything to us.  We got home from school.  We saw the truck.  He told us we were moving to Portland the next day and to get packed.  He then told us he was getting married when we stopped in Denver.”

 

Eren’s eyes were as wide as they could get.  “That . . .  is seriously messed up!” he finally gasped.

 

“I know, right?” I agreed.  “At first I was really angry at him spending time with another family instead of with his own kids.  I’m still pissed at him for not giving us any warning.  I mean if we had known, Mika wouldn’t have gotten so involved with track.  She was supposed to go to a track meet back on Saturday.  Izzy wouldn’t have tried out for the play.  She was supposed to play Peter Pan.  I wanted to blow up at Dad, but I promised Mom.”

 

“Promised her what?”

 

“That I would make sure everyone stayed happy even though she was gone.  I don’t want to do anything to make Dad miserable.  A wedding is supposed to be a really happy time.  Furthermore, this is a really big step for your mom taking on three teenagers that aren’t hers and that she’s never met before.  I just don’t want to make things difficult for her.  It’s not her fault Dad didn’t give us any warning.  You’re both really great –“ I paused when I saw tears running down Eren’s face.  No no no no no!  Don’t cry!  I can’t stand to see people cry.   “Wait, why are you crying?  Don’t do that,” I pleaded.

 

“I’m sorry, Levi.  I can’t help it.  I just feel so bad about everything.  You seem really nice and you deserve better than that.  It makes me sad.”

 

Oh, fuck!  I shouldn’t have told him! “No, no!  It’s okay!  I didn’t mean to make you feel bad!  You shouldn’t feel sad!  We’re here now and everything is going to be okay!  Mika and Izzy will finally have a woman around to guide them and help them with their - girl issues.  It will be good for them.  It’s a new start for all of us.  I now have you to hang around with instead of just girls all the time.  This is a good thing!  It was a rude shock at first, sure, but in the end it’s really for the best!” I tried desperately to assuage his fears.

 

Eren smiled sadly at me.  “But you’re still hurting,” he said.  “Please don’t take this the wrong way.  When my dad died, I took it really hard.   We were really close and I had such a hard time trying to stay strong for mom.  The thing about having a doctor for a relative, is that a lot of the family friends are doctors too.  One of Mom’s best friends is Rico.  She’s a family psychiatrist.  In fact, she was in school with Mom and was the one who introduced Mom to Dad.  Anyway, Mom asked her to come talk with me and try to help me through the mourning process.  She was really helpful.  She’s really understanding and non-judgmental.  Maybe you could ask Mom to give her a call so you can talk to her.  She may be able to help.”

 

I contemplated his suggestion for a moment.  He might be right.  If this psychiatrist can help me sort though my messed up head, I can get things smoothed over with everyone and better keep my promise to Mom.  “You know what, Eren?  I think that may be a good idea.  I’ll talk to Carla first thing in the morning.”

 

 


	4. Tension

The next day at dinner was no better.  In fact it was worse.  “Guess what?  Uncle Dave is coming in for a visit!” Dad announced cheerfully. 

 

Again I found a bite of my dinner sticking in my throat.   Can things really get any worse? 

 

“I hate that man,” Mikasa mumbled.

 

Apparently they **_can_** get worse!

 

“What?” Dad asked in shock, not sure he’d heard correctly.

 

“Mikasa!” I chastised. 

 

Keep in mind that Uncle David is Dad’s older brother by about five years.  Dad idolized his brother growing up.  I still remember all the stories Dad used to tell us about his older brother and all the wonderful things they did together.  He still thinks the world of Uncle Dave.  The two of them are the best of friends.  I don’t want to be the wedge that comes between them. 

 

“I mean it, Levi.  I hate the way he treats you!” Mika stated flatly.

 

Okay.  This was definitely not the time or the place to be having this discussion.  I switched to a language I knew Dad wouldn’t know; German.  **Mika, now is not the time to bring this up!**

 

**Then when, Levi?  When will you stop putting up with all this bullshit?**

 

**Not at the dinner table.  Carla and Eren shouldn’t have to deal with this.  It’s not their problem **

 

**I hate him too,** Isabel added quietly. 

 

**You see?  Even Izzy is upset!**

 

“Mika . . .”

 

“Do you kids have any idea how rude it is to carry on a conversation that no one else can understand?” Dad asked.  “Now what is this about David?”

 

“I’m sorry, Dad.  It’s just a misunderstanding,” I said.

 

**A **_misunderstanding_**??  Really, Levi?!** Mika snapped.

 

I sighed in defeat.  “Can Mika and I be excused for a few minutes?  We need to talk someplace else.”

 

“Of course you may,” Carla said quickly.  Thank you, Carla!  You’re a saint!

 

I took Mika out the back door and out towards the barn.  “What the hell, Levi?  How long are you going to let yourself be treated like shit?  How long are you planning to let Dad think you’re not important?!”

 

I’d never told Mika or Izzy what I had overheard Dad and Dave talking about that night after Mom’s funeral.  Mikasa would have flipped if she knew.  “Please, Mika.  Try to understand.  I can’t tell you everything, but I don’t want to be the person who comes between Dad and his brother.  They’re best friends.”

 

“Bullshit!  You should be more important to Dad than that glorified pedophile!!”  Mikasa shouted.  “I hate that man!  I hate the way he looks at you!  I hate the way he touches you!  I hate that he tried to assault you.”

 

I pinched the bridge of my nose.  “Are you forgetting the key word there; **_tried_**?  Dave’s the one who walked away with three cracked ribs, a black eye and a broken nose.”

 

“THE ASSHOLE SHOULD BE IN JAIL!!!”

 

“Mika, please, calm down.”

 

“No, Levi!  You’ve put up with too much for too long!”

 

“Please.  I promised Mom.  I promised I would do everything in my power to keep our family happy.  That includes Dad.  I put up with this shit so that nobody else has too.” I explained.

 

Mikasa folded her arms and glared at me.  “Really, Levi?  Do you honestly think that when Mom had you promise to keep the family happy that she meant to do so at the cost of your own happiness?  Don’t you think she wanted you to be happy too?  And have you considered the fact that your unhappiness makes me unhappy?  How is that keeping your promise to Mom?”

 

What shocked me the most about this was that I didn’t have an answer for her.  I hadn’t realized that she was so unhappy because of me.  I was fucking blind!  “Listen, Mika, everything is going to be okay.  I talked with Eren last night and he suggested I talk to the counselor that helped him when his father died.  I had Carla call the psychiatrist this morning.  My first appointment is here tomorrow at 5.  I’ll get all these issues smoothed out and things will be fine.”

 

 

Mikasa still stood there, arms crossed and glowering at me.  “You really don’t get it, do you?”

 

“I do, Mika.  Really I do.  But I can’t change Dad.  I **_can_** change myself.  Please, Mikasa.  Trust me.”

 

Mika sighed and looked at the ground.  “Fine.  But what about Dave?”

 

“I’ll think of something.  I promise.”

 

“Fine.  I’ll trust you.  But I’m still not happy about this,” Mika finally relented.

 

I breathed a sigh of relief.  “Thank you.”

 

She turned to go back inside to dinner.  She stopped when I didn’t follow.  “Are you coming?”

 

“No.  I’ve lost my appetite.  Please tell them I’m sorry, but I ate something in the school cafeteria that’s disagreeing with me.”

 

Mika looked disappointed, but agreed to do it.  “Okay, Levi.”  She came back, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before returning inside.  I waited a few minutes, staring up at the stars before going in and up to my room.

 

* * *

 

 

Eren must have begged Izzy and Mika to do the dishes without him, because he came straight to our room after he finished eating.  He didn’t even bother asking; he just climbed up and took his usual spot at the foot of my bed.

 

“I should probably tell you that Mom and I speak fluent German,” he stated.

 

I could feel what little color I had draining from my face and I could feel an icy ball form in the pit of my stomach.  “Wh-what?” I asked stupidly.

 

“Yeah.  Mom is Greek and Turkish, but my Dad was German.  He taught us both to speak it,” Eren explained.

 

Oh, fuck.  They understood that whole conversation.

 

“So what is it with Uncle Dave?”  Eren asked.

 

“Like I said, it’s just a misunderstanding.  I’m really sorry you and your mother had to hear that.  I’m trying so hard to make this transition and easy one for everybody, but I’m failing so miserably.  You know, I haven’t been able to get through one family dinner here?  It really sucks, cuz your mom’s cooking is phenomenal.”  I know I’m gonna regret asking this, but can things possibly get any shittier?  Is it possible for me to fuck things up even more?  No wonder Dad never wanted kids – especially a son.

 

* * *

 

Eren was right.  Rico was very easy to talk to without feeling like I was being judged.  She listened to me spill my life story out to her.  Before I knew it, we were being called to dinner.  “So that’s how Carla got you to come here for my appointment.  She bribed you with food!” I smirked at Rico.

 

“You yourself said her cooking is phenomenal.  As a single working girl, I never turn down a free home cooked meal!” Rico confirmed.

 

For the very first time since moving here, I finally finished an entire meal without having to leave the table feeling sick.  I knew it was too good to last, though.  As we all sat in the living area with Carla and Rico chattering away and with Rico getting to know Dad, Dad made one of his usual tactless comments.

 

“I really must thank you, Rico, for taking time out of your schedule to help out Levi.  He’s always been a problem I just don’t know how to deal with,” he said.

 

I reacted before thinking.  “Now wait just a –“ I cut myself off.  I wanted nothing more than to scream at him about how insensitive and completely clueless he was and then storm out of the room.  But that would be really childish of me.  I did not want to come off looking like a brat.  If I’m to be a good example to Izzy and Mika, then I have to keep my temper in check.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and sat back down.  “I’m really sorry.  I was out of line.”

 

“Uuuugh!” Mika huffed.

 

Rico raised an eyebrow.  “You know.  I specialize in family psychology.  This is all new and an understandably stressful change for all of you.  Perhaps we could have a group session with the entire family to help smooth out the wrinkles and make this transition from two families to one a little bit smoother.  What do you say?”

 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea!” Carla exclaimed.

 

“I’ll attend,” I agreed.

 

“Then I’m in!” Izzy shouted excitedly.  Anything her big brother does, she’ll do.  It’s part of her charm.

 

“Then I’ll go too,” Mika added.

 

“Yeah, me too,” Eren said.

 

“I agree,” Dad said, much to my surprise.  “We can all get to know each other better.”

 

I never expected that from him.  Maybe this will be a good thing.  Maybe things really are going to work out.  Maybe this new start really is the best for us all.

 

 


	5. The Weekend

I was shocked the following morning as I was herding the others out the door to go to school when I heard Carla call to me.  I turned around and she handed me a dark green cooler bag.  “What’s this?” I inquired.

 

“I prepared a lunch for you,” she stated simply.

 

“Wait, is this because I . . .”

 

“Mikasa mentioned that something you ate in the cafeteria yesterday upset your stomach.  This way you’ll have something a little better for you,” she replied to my unasked question.

 

“You didn’t have to. . .”  I felt a lump form in my throat.  Because I had told Mikasa to tell everyone that something I ate at school made me sick (a lie no less), Carla had gone out of her way to make sure I had a lunch that wouldn’t disagree with me.  “Thank you so much,” I finally said.

 

She then, much to my surprise, gave me a hug.  “It’s my pleasure.  Have a great day at school.”

 

Sometimes the smallest gestures have the biggest meaning.  It was probably the best lunch I’d ever had:  Homemade hummus with fresh broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and olives to dip in it and a pita pocket stuffed with chicken salad with cranberries, celery and walnuts.  I’m telling you, Carla is some kind of saint!

 

I made a point of avoiding dinner for the next two nights.  I was tired of looking like some kind of problem child.  Okay, so maybe I am a problem child, but I don’t need it to be pointed out every time I sit down to dinner.  I’m pretty sure it makes everyone else uncomfortable too.  I made the excuse of needing to get a report done before the due date at the end of next week.  True enough, I suppose.  The other students had been given the assignment the first week of school, but I had only two weeks.  However, I almost had it completed already.  At least it made a handy excuse.

 

That Saturday, I came up with a way to get out of the house entirely.  It was rather underhanded, but it was multi-beneficial.  I suggested that I take Eren and my sisters out into the city to the aquarium and the science museum.  We could get to know the city and spend time getting to know each other.  Eren then suggested we meet some of his friends for supper at the Asian Buffet and then go catch a movie after.  Our case was further helped by clever little Izzy, who mentioned it would allow Dad and Carla some private time, since they hadn’t had a honeymoon.

 

We had time to hit up not only the aquarium and science museums, but also the museum of fine art.  At the aquarium, I called to check in with Carla as promised to let her know we were all still alive and well . . . must be a female thing – worrying over everything.  I hung up to find the others around the stingray pool.  They had their hands in the water to touch the rays as they swam past.  I couldn’t help but smile as I watched them.  It was rare to see Mikasa as excited as this, but I guess Izzy and Eren’s enthusiasm was contagious.

 

I watched them chattering excitedly as I idly stuck my own hand in the water.  I was surprised when Eren suddenly pointed at me.  “Wow, Levi!  Look!”

 

I looked down at my hand and found three rays with their snouts against my hand.  Most were just swimming around brushing their ‘wings’ against the hands in the water.  I moved to rub the head of the middle one.  The skin felt like fine velvet!  It stayed put as I stroked its head.  I then petted the other two before all three swam away.  “Wow, Levi!  That was unreal!” Izzy exclaimed. 

 

“Yeah.  That was really cool,” Mikasa added.  “Have to start calling you the stingray whisperer.”

 

Eren cracked up laughing as I rolled my eyes at them.  “Yeah, just what I always wanted to be known for!”

 

The day went by really smoothly.  Dinner with Eren’s friends was fun.  Even after all that food, Izzy still insisted on an extra large popcorn at the movie theater.  Eren’s friend Sasha was the same way.  While we were all waiting for the movie to start, I went out into the lobby to call home to check in.  As I was telling Carla how much fun we were having, an idea came to me.  “Hey, Carla, how about I make dinner for everyone tomorrow noon?  You shouldn’t have to do all the cooking all the time.  I can make one of Dad’s favorite meals.”

 

“That would be lovely!  I’m looking forward to it!  Mikasa and Izzy say you’re a wonderful cook.  Do you need me to get anything for you?”

 

“No.  I’ll pick up what I need at the Walmart on the way home.  Damn stores are open 24 hours.  Need me to pick up anything while I’m there?”

 

“If you could pick up three gallons of milk, a couple of bunches of bananas and a bag of the Purina One Urinary Tract Health kibble for the cat, that would be a big help.”

 

I scribbled down the items on the phone’s screen (it’s a Samsung Galaxy Note 5 – I love the thing!) and saved the list.  “Not a problem.  Don’t wait up.  We’re catching a double feature.”

 

“Alright.  Be safe and have fun,” she replied.

 

I found a theater that showed older movies on Saturday nights, and when I found out the movies for that night were two of my absolute favorites, I convinced the whole group to go.   I’ve stated once before that I’m a bit of a nerd – yeah, I look and act cool and all, but I have the soul of a complete nerd.  Books and school aren’t my only passions.  Old movies are the best!  I especially like the old Alfred Hitchcock movies as well as any movie with Audrey Hepburn or Carey Grant (or both as is the case this particular night).  You probably don’t even know who those people are.  Might I recommend you Google them?

 

The movies in question were my two all time favorites:  Alfred Hitchcock’s _To Catch a Thief_ with Carey Grant and Grace Kelly, and Alfred Hitchcock’s _Charade_ with Carey Grant and Audrey Hepburn.  My sisters, Eren and all his friends were riveted to the screen for the entirety of both movies.  Even a horde of hip teens had to admit those two movies were awesome.  One of Eren’s friends – well, I guess they’re my friends now too – Connie, exclaimed, “I never knew old movies were so cool!”

 

It was nice to see Mikasa actually having a good time with so many people.  I got to finally meet her friend Annie.  She was a tiny, but serious looking blond that tagged along with two giants – Reiner and Bertolt.  I mean, shit, each of them is double my size!  I got the impression the girl was as shy and reserved as Mikasa.  No wonder they got along.  The rest of the group, except for Eren’s cousin, Armin, and Annie, were part of the Drama Club.  Their names were Jean (aka Horseface), Connie, Sasha, Christa, Ymir, Zoe, Marco and, of course, the giants.  If only I could take just a couple of inches of Bert’s height.

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday morning I oozed out of bed far earlier than I cared to.  Not entirely sure how I got into my day clothes, but apparently I did, because the first thing I clearly remember is standing in the kitchen adoring my cup of coffee and it’s glorious caffeine.  I’m one of those people you do not want to engage until after I have my morning coffee.  The rest of the day is for tea, but mornings definitely need coffee.

 

Nobody else was up yet, so I quietly set to making the roast that Mom had taught me and that I knew was Dad’s favorite.  I cut the pork roast so that it was laid out flat and ready to roll up around the filling.  The filling was Mom’s secret mix of homemade dried bread crumbs with savory, oregano and thyme, fresh, finely chopped spinach, chopped mushrooms (preferably a wild mix), chopped sun dried tomatoes and feta cheese (Izzy calls it ‘stinky feet’ cheese).  I rolled up the roast and tied it and set it in the oven.  I wouldn’t need to turn it on just yet.

 

Thankfully, Carla had a double oven in her kitchen.  I would need the second one at a higher temperature to roast the potato wedges.  After cutting up the broccoli and cauliflower for the exotic warm salad, I still had an hour or so to sit and relax.  After watching mindless television for an hour, I started the oven for the roast then set about making crème brûlée for dessert.  Once the dessert was done I put the potatoes in the oven and started the hot salad. 

 

Carla came in long enough to get a cup of coffee for herself and for Dad.  I lost my grip on my tasting spoon and it fell into the fry pan I was making the hot salad in.  “Shit!!”  That four letter word was promptly followed by a loud, “Owww!”  as Carla pinched my right ear.

 

“No cussing,” she stated simply as she picked up the two mugs of coffee and left the kitchen.

 

Izzy regretted laughing at me, because I immediately had my youngest sister set the table.  Even though she whines about it, she does the job and does it well.  She even got a glass of ice water for each place.  “Mama says that Uncle Erwin and Aunt Cora are coming over this evening with their two kids – you know, Christa from drama club and her brother Armin that we met last night.”

 

“Those two must take after their father, because they look nothing like Carla, and Cora is her twin sister,” I commented.  “Armin is in a lot of my advanced classes.  I believe Christa is in a lot of advanced classes too.”

 

“Yep,” Izzy confirmed.  “She said she could come over and we’ll work on my history report together.  She has some books she’s gonna let me borrow.”

 

“You like our new home and new school?” I asked her.  “Be honest, now.”

 

“I’m always honest!” Izzy huffed.  “I miss home some.  But I really like this new school better.  Everybody is so nice!   And the drama club is way bigger than the one back home!  I miss my old friends though.  We chat online, but it’s not the same.  But I think I’m really gonna like my new friends too.  And I love having the horses and goats and chickens.  Carla showed me how to milk a goat!  It was so cool!  She says I’m a natural.  You know, I never knew eggs could come in so many colors.  Did you know that two of the chickens lay blue eggs and one lays green?  Some are white, some are brown, and some are covered in speckles!  They are all really friendly too!  One of the barn cats just had kittens and they are soooooooo cute! Oh! And one of the goats –“

 

“Come up for air, Izzy,” I chuckled.  If I don’t interrupt her, she’ll never stop!

 

The girl took a deep breath and started in again; starting with the pregnant goat.  She chattered non-stop right through dinner, which I was grateful for, since it meant Dad couldn’t make any tactless comments.  Carla was barely able to get a word in edgewise to tell me how much she enjoyed the meal and that she wanted the recipe.  Well, since she’s family now, I guess I can let her have the secret.

 

The afternoon of horseback riding went smoothly and incident free.  I had taken my sisters horseback riding at a stable just outside of Chicago several times, so we already knew how to ride (much to Dad’s surprise – how little the man knows of how much I did with Izzy and Mikasa). 

 

That evening, Eren’s cousin’s, Armin and Christa, arrived for dinner accompanied by a woman that looked almost exactly like Carla, and a huge man that had the biggest fucking eyebrows I’d ever seen.  Carla greeted them all warmly, then dragged me and my sisters over for introductions.

 

I was still focused on those humongous eyebrows when Carla introduced me to “Uncle Erwin”.  Were those things for real?  They looked like massive caterpillars.   What if they had teeth and attacked me?—Okay, that last one was a stretch. 

 

I reached out my hand to take his large offered one.  “Good to meet you Uncle Eyebrow—ows-“  I choked the instant my faux pas left my lips.  Fucking **_real_** cool dipshit!  I opened my mouth to apologize, eyes wide with horror and embarrassment . . . and nothing came out.

 

Said eyebrows went up for a moment before the man burst out laughing along with everyone else in the room.   Oh, thank God!  He’s not offended.  “I happen to be very proud of my eyebrows, I’ll have you know,” he stated.

 

“Those eyebrows are the reason I married him,” Cora joked.

 

I finally began breathing again – when had I stopped? – and turned to look at Eren.  “I don’t suppose your father knew a good Orthodontic Podiatrist?”

 

Eren looked at me like I had five heads.  “Orthodontic Podiatrist?!  A dental foot doctor??!!”

 

“Yeah, I think I may need surgery to extract my foot from my mouth.”  Ha ha.  I made a funny.

 

All present burst out laughing.  It was like some scene out of a crummy family sitcom.  In fact, the entire evening was like that.  Maybe it’s just because I’m unfamiliar with how a family is supposed to be.  It was stupid; it was sappy; . . . it was nice.

 

Overall, the weekend went much smoother than I’d expected.  Maybe this was going to work out after all.  What could go wrong?  Stupid question.

 

 


	6. Things Can ALWAYS Get Worse

The following Monday I found out just how shitty things could really get.  Heed my warning; every mistake you make will one day come back to bite you in the ass, no matter how big or small.   My mistakes just happen to be really big ones.  We were just getting out of the car at school when my phone rang with a call from what my caller id showed as St. Maria Hospital.  What the fuck?  Must be a wrong number.  I decided to ignore it.

 

It no sooner stopped when the phone rang again from the same number.  Deciding they needed to be told they had the wrong number, I told the other’s to go ahead without me and answered the call.  “Hello?”

 

“Is this Mr. Levi Ackerman?” a female voice asked.

 

Okay, now I’m really confused.  It’s **_not_** a wrong number?  Fuck!  Did something happen to Dad?  “Yes,” I answered hesitantly.

 

“Mr. Ackerman, I’m Alicia, a nurse at St. Maria Hospital.  You need to come to the hospital right away.”

 

“Wait. What? Why?”  I know I sounded like a complete idiot.

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ackerman, but your girlfriend just passed away this morning and there’s no one else to take the baby.”

 

Girlfriend?  I don’t have a girlfriend.  Wait . . . what baby??  “I don’t understand.”

 

“Oh.  You didn’t know, then.  I’m so sorry.  Monica Struthers had her baby three days ago, but she suffered a brain aneurism rupture early this morning and passed away.  She named you as the father on the birth certificate.”

 

I leaned back against the side of my car and sank to the pavement.  I felt cold and numb all at once.  It was as if the entire world had just stopped.  For a moment I couldn’t even think.

 

“Mr. Ackerman?” came the voice on the other end of the phone line.

 

“I’ll be there shortly,” I told the nurse numbly.

 

It didn’t even seem possible.  I didn’t even know Monica had moved to Portland.  I thought she was still back in Chicago.  I never even knew she was pregnant!  Oh my god!  Dad’s gonna fucking kill me!  This justifies every negative thing he thinks of me!  This is so way beyond bad!  What the fuck am I gonna do?  I have nowhere to turn!

 

I don’t know how long I sat there, shaking and numb before I finally dialed my phone.  “Hello?”

 

“Carla.  I’m in really big trouble.  I don’t know who else to turn to.  Please, help me.”  I’m sure I sounded every bit the panicky teenager that I am.

 

“Calm down, Levi.  Where are you?”

 

“I’m in the school parking lot.  I got a call from St. Maria Hospital.   I have to go there.  Dad’s going to kill me for this!  I don’t know what to do!”

 

“Do you need me to come get you?”

 

“Yes.”  I may have my own car, but quite frankly, I was in no condition to drive.  “Please, hurry.”

 

“Everything’s going to be okay, Levi.  I’m on my way now.  Just stay where you are.  You can tell me what’s going on when I get there, okay?”

 

I nodded, temporarily too stupid to realize she couldn’t see me.  “Yes,” I whispered pathetically.

 

Soon, I saw her Kia Sedona pull up behind my car.  Carla got out and came and knelt beside me.  She placed her hand gently on my trembling shoulder.  “Come, Levi.  Get in the van and tell me what happened.”

 

I must have looked completely shell shocked because as soon as I was on my feet, she wrapped her arms around me.  “It’s all going to be okay, Levi.  I’m right here with you.”

 

“It’s not going to be okay.  Not this time.  Dad’s gonna kill me!”

 

Carla guided me to the passenger side of the van and all but put me in the seat.  As she pulled out of the parking lot to head towards the hospital, she finally asked, “Tell me what happened, Levi.  What’s wrong?”

 

I took a deep breath before answering.  “I got a call from the hospital.  They told me I’m a father and that Monica died.”  Yeah.  That explains everything.  I supposed I should have expected Carla to flip her lid.  After all, this is definitely **_not_** something she had bargained on when she married Dad.  But somehow I knew she wouldn’t.  Otherwise I wouldn’t have called her.

 

“It’s okay.  Take a deep breath and start from the beginning,” she instructed.

 

I nodded and, taking another deep breath, I began to explain.  “It started about a year ago.  I’m not even sure exactly **_how_** it started.  It just did.  I was stressed; I was lonely; I was feeling unloved.  I was taking care of Izzy and Mika, and Dad was never around.  When he was around, he hardly ever spoke to me.  I’m a normal, healthy, hormonal, adolescent male for fuck’s sake!  When my sociology teacher, Monica Struthers, came on to me one day after school, I couldn’t help myself.  I knew it was wrong.  I knew.  But I did it anyway.  It was just sex.  I know that.  I knew it then.  I just . . . I don’t know.  It started out as just a kiss here and there, but escalated pretty quickly.  I wasn’t completely stupid.  I always used a condom, but one night  . . .  just one fucking night – she’d known that Mika and Izzy were at Uncle Kenny and Aunt Lidia’s for the weekend, so when she called and asked me to come get her because she was drunk I did it without hesitation.  Trouble was, we got back to her apartment and she was really horny.  She wouldn’t let up.  Thing is, I didn’t think to bring any condoms.  I refused at first.  But then I let my hormones get the best of me.  Once.  It was only once!  But that’s all it takes.  Now she’s dead from a brain aneurism I never knew she had after giving birth to a baby I never knew she was pregnant with!”

 

I paused a moment before continuing, expecting Carla to call me out on my cussing at the very least.  But when she didn’t I kept going.  “I was a fifteen then sixteen year old kid having sex with a forty-five year old woman.  I was so fucking stupid.  I didn’t think anything of it when she said she was leaving the school and getting another job and probably wouldn’t see me again.  I was willing to accept that.  It was just sex after all.  It was fun while it lasted.  I’d all but forgotten about it until this morning.”

 

Carla, who’d been listening quietly, finally spoke.  “Are you sure the baby is yours?”

 

“The timing is right.  And the hospital says she named me as the father for the birth certificate.  I guess we’ll find out more when we get there.”

 

We were stopped at a red light, so Carla reached out and took my hand.  “It’ll be okay, Levi.  We’ll get through this together.”

 

“Thank you.  I’m so sorry for putting you through this.  You don’t deserve this kind of stress.  You’re supposed to be happy.  You just got married and I’m fucking everything up for you.  I’m so sorry.”  I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the headrest.  “I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry.”

 

“There’s no need for you to apologize.  I told you I knew there would be unknowns I was getting into when I married your father.  We’re family now.  For better or for worse; we stand by each other and help each other through the tough times.  I’m glad you trusted me enough to call me for help.”

 

I looked at her in disbelief.  The woman was nothing short of a saint.  “Thank you,” I said quietly.

 

At the hospital, we went to the front desk and were directed to the fifth floor maternity ward.  The nurse at the station looked up as we approached.  It was Alicia.  “I’m Levi Ackerman.  You called and asked me to come down here about Monica Struthers.”

 

The woman looked at me in shock.  My voice is rather deep and I sound more adult than I really am.  They were obviously not expecting a teenager.  “Of course,” she said, visibly shocked.  “Please take a seat in the waiting room.  The doctor will be out to speak to you soon.”

 

As we sat in the waiting room, I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.  I was so fucked!  Dad would never forgive me for this!  He’s always thought I was some kind of delinquent.  Now he’ll know it! 

 

Carla began gently rubbing my back to try to calm my frayed nerves.  “Dad’s gonna kill me,” I told her, my head still in my hands.

 

“No he won’t.  He may be a little upset at first, but he won’t kill you.”

 

“You don’t understand.  He never wanted me in the first place.  I was an accident.  He never wanted a boy.  I’ve always been a problem to him.  Now I’ve gone and justified everything he’s ever thought about me!  How could I be so stupid??”

 

“You made an error in judgment.  It’s not the end of the world.  Your father will understand that.”  Then she pulled out her phone.  “Would you like me to call Rico and have her come over this evening?   It might help to have her there when we tell your father.”

 

I nodded my head and heard her place the call to Rico.  The conversation was lost to me as I drowned in my own muddled thoughts.  Finally, Carla began rubbing my back again.  “Rico will be there just before Jerome gets home from work.  We’ll discuss this as a family before we have dinner.”

 

At that moment, a doctor and a police officer entered the room.  They both looked at me kind of funny.  “Are you Mr. Levi Ackerman?” the doctor questioned.

 

I didn’t even stand up.  It was as if my legs had turned to jelly.  I watched them through the corner of my eye as I kept my head down and stared at the floor.  “Yes, Doctor.”

 

“Forgive me.  I didn’t expect you to be so young.  How old are you?”

 

I took a deep breath.  “Sixteen.”

 

The cop’s eyebrows went up.

 

“Is this your mother?” the doctor asked.

 

“Yes, she is.”

 

“Do mind if she is present while I ask you some questions?”

 

“I’d prefer to have her stay here.”

 

“Very well then.  First, let me ask you if you had sexual relations with Ms. Monica Struthers approximately nine months ago.”

 

I closed my eyes, the full shame of my actions beginning to settle in.  “I did.”

 

“I see.  Is there any possibility that she was having relations with other – men – at the time you were having sexual relations with her?”

 

“No.  I’m pretty sure I was the only one.”

 

“Were you aware that she was pregnant?”

 

“No.  She never told me.  I didn’t even know she had moved to Portland.”

 

“So where were you when you had relations with Ms. Struthers?” the cop asked.

 

“We were both living in Chicago.  She was my sociology teacher at Rose Central High School.”

 

“When did you move here?” the officer continued.

 

“A week ago.”

 

The doctor opened up a file as I finally looked up at the two men.   “Alright then.  I’m Doctor Albright.  I was Monica Struthers’ obstetrician.  Three days ago she gave birth to a very healthy five pound eight ounce baby girl.  She named you as the father on the certificate of birth.  She has no living relatives, and that is why we called you.  Your phone number was all we had as an emergency contact.  If you like, we can run blood tests to check your DNA against that of the infant’s.”

 

“That won’t be necessary,” I said.  “I’ll take responsibility for my actions since Monica can’t.”  I was beginning to feel sicker than I ever had before.  “It’s all my fault.  Just one fucking time without protection and she gets pregnant and then dies from the stress of giving birth.  It’s my fault that Monica’s dead!”

 

“No it’s not,” Doctor Albright interrupted.  “That brain aneurism was a pre existing condition.  She’d probably had it for years without realizing it.  Did she complain of headaches a lot?”

 

“All the time.”  That’s right.  I had completely forgotten about that.  “She was always taking ibuprofen for them.  She thought it was no big deal.”

 

“I’m afraid it was a very big deal.  There was no way for us to know she had that aneurism because she never told us about the headaches.”

 

“It’s still my fault.  If I’d had better control of myself – if I hadn’t gotten her pregnant . . .”

 

“She would have died anyways.  That aneurism could have ruptured at any time.  It wasn’t a matter of **_if_**.  It was a matter of **_when_**.  The when just happened to be now.  You are in no way at fault,” The doctor explained.  “Perhaps you would like to see your daughter?”

 

I nodded numbly.  Maybe this was some really fucked up dream and any moment my alarm would go off and force Eren and me out of bed to drag our sorry asses down to breakfast.  Carla and I were led to a small but comfortable looking sitting room.  The officer waited with us and in a moment the doctor came in carrying a pink bundle.  “She was going to go home today,” he stated as he handed her over to me.

 

I looked down at the bundle now nestled in my arms and the full reality of what was happening began to sink in.  There was no question of my being the father.  She had the same jet black hair and a pair of silver eyes just like mine.  I sat down, still holding her, and reached to stroke her tiny face with my fingers.  She yawned and squirmed, her tiny hands coming out of the blanket.  I touched the miniscule fingers and her hand automatically curled around my finger. 

 

I smiled in spite of myself.  “She’s beautiful!  I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, but . . . this is a life that I helped to create!  Look at her!  She’s so perfect!”

 

Carla smiled as she looked down at my daughter.  “No, Levi.  You **_are_** supposed to feel like that.  New life is such a beautiful miracle.  It’s impossible not to feel like this!”

 

Dr. Albright smiled at both of us.  “As I mentioned, she is due to go home today.”

 

Reality check!  “Mom, we don’t have anything at home for a baby!”  I totally didn’t notice that I’d just called Carla ‘Mom’.

 

“Actually,” the officer began.  “That’s the reason I’m here.  I have the keys to her apartment and her car.  Multnomah County has authorized me to see to it that you get all of the possessions necessary to care for your daughter.  We’re assuming she had a car seat, crib and at least some bottles and diapers and things.  I’ll be glad to escort you and your mother to the apartment to retrieve them.”

 

* * *

 

 

We left my daughter at the hospital while Carla took me back to the school to pick up my car and we followed the officer to Monica’s rundown apartment.  I felt really horrible for Monica.  She’d had such a nice apartment back in Chicago.  “It’s my fault, Mom.  She had to give up her job in Chicago and move away because I got her pregnant.  She lost everything because of me.”

 

“No Levi.  She was a lonely woman that took advantage of a lonely teenager.  As an adult, it was her responsibility to know where to draw the line.  As a sociology teacher, I would certainly have expected her to know better than to engage in sexual activities with a student.  More importantly, she knew the risks of unprotected sex every bit as much as you did.  Some of the blame does lie with you, but the majority of the blame lay on her.”

 

“I guess.  But that doesn’t make me feel any better about it,” I replied.

 

With the police officer’s help, we got the crib and the changing table (still in their boxes) into the van along with a couple of packages of diapers, a pair of pink pajamas and a headband with a pink rose on it, a pair of booties, a pink winter jacket, a warm blanket and quilt and a package of bottles and baby formula. 

 

“We’ll have to get some more diapers and clothes for her tomorrow.  Those diapers will probably last only through tomorrow!”  Carla said.

 

Two packs of diapers . . . only through tomorrow . . . I am so fucked!! 

 

“I think I’ll pick up some better quality formula on my way back home,” Carla continued.  “I’ll get some more diapers then.”

 

I still felt sick.  Monica had no family, no friends, not even someone to help her set up the crib.  I suddenly felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have had Carla to call upon for help when I needed it most.  What would have happened if Dad had never met her and I hadn’t been here to take the baby?  No.  Don’t start thinking ‘what if’.  There is no ‘if’.  ‘If’ is nothing more than two letters by which to torture yourself with.

 

The officer unlocked Monica’s car, and we got the baby carrier out of the back seat and we set it up in the back seat of my car.  “We’ll have to get a car seat for when she’s older and a second one for in the van,” Carla stated.  We then went back to the hospital to pick up my daughter.

 

Before we left the hospital, Doctor Albright asked us for a name for the birth certificate.  “Didn’t Monica give her a name?”

 

“No she was undecided.  You can name her anything you like,” the doctor said, pen in hand, ready to write the name in on the records.

 

I thought a moment.  “I’d like to name her after my biological mother; Juliana Ackerman.”

 

“Very pretty,” Doctor Albright said as he wrote down her name and had me sign the paperwork.   “You will receive the birth certificate and as Social Security card from the government in a few weeks.  If you need any help with the baby, please give me a call.”

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Carla and I had the crib and changing table set up (currently in mine and Eren’s room) and Jewel, as I called her, fed and changed (Carla being good enough to show me exactly how to mix the formula and heat it up just right and to properly change a diaper), it was time to pick up my sisters and Eren from school.  I don’t know exactly when, but at some point while we were at the hospital, Carla had texted all three that I had to leave school to attend to some family business and that she would be picking them up after school.  I don’t know how she manages to think of everything, but I’m glad she can.

 

I had fallen asleep on Eren’s bed, curled around Jewel as she slept against my chest.  I had no idea at the time, but Carla had come to tell me she was leaving to pick up the others, and saw the scene on the bed and snapped a picture with her phone.  “My first proud granny photo,” she whispered proudly to herself.

 

I was later awakened by the click of Izzy’s phone camera followed by her squeal of, “OMG!  That is **_SO_** adorable!!!”

 

I groaned and opened my eyes to see Eren’s big green ones looking back at me as he knelt by his bed and looked curiously at me.  “I’m almost afraid to ask,” he said nervously.

 

I looked around to see Izzy and Mika standing behind him, Izzy still having her cuteness overload moment and Mikasa with a look torn between ‘that’s so cute’, ‘what the fuck’ and ‘please tell me that’s not what I think it is’.  I didn’t move since I didn’t want to awaken Jewel.  I’m sure they’d already figured out what happened, seeing as the baby looked just like me.  “Yeah.  Remember when I told you girls to never have unprotected sex?” I asked.

 

They both nodded.  “Well clearly I should have followed my own advice,” I continued.  Even Izzy had no response to the revelation. 

 

“How?  When?  WHO?” Mikasa finally gasped in shock.

 

“Remember the sociology teacher back in Chicago?” I asked.

 

Izzy shook her head, and Mika answered, “I remember her vaguely.  I never had a class with her.  She left just before the end of the year.”

 

“That’s because she was pregnant,” I explained.  “With my baby.”

 

I was met with complete silence.  After several minutes, Mika finally spoke.  “But when?  How did we not know you were even in a relationship?  How could I not have seen it?”

 

“Because we’re all too young to know the signs and because I didn’t want you to know,” I answered.  “I was usually very careful, except for one time.  And that’s all it took.  Juliana here is the result.”

 

Eren reached out and touched her ultra fine black hair.  “She’s so beautiful,” he commented.

 

“She is,” Isabel agreed.  “She looks just like Big Brother.”  Suddenly Izzy’s eyes got wide and a big smile spread across her face.  “This means I’m an auntie!”

 

Mikasa knelt beside Eren and touched Jewel’s tiny hand.  “You named her after Mom.  I think that’s perfect,” she said with a gentle smile.

 

 

 


	7. Clearing the Air

Rico came and gave me a bear hug as soon as she entered the house.  She cooed over the newest member of the Ackerman household while asking me for a brief explanation so she’d have some background information before Dad got home.  I fed and changed Jewel and laid her in the crib before going down to await the inevitable return of my father.  I sat on the sofa, my right leg bouncing nervously as a knot of pure terror tied itself tighter and tighter in my stomach.

 

All of my thoughts circled around the worst case scenarios.  I was certain that he would throw me out of the house and the family.  What will I do then?  I am so toast!

 

Carla greeted my father at the door and explained that we needed to have a family meeting right away.  I was now flat out shaking and pale as a ghost (and that’s something doing seeing as I am very fair skinned to begin with).  Dad sat down, looked around at everyone in the silent room, then his eyes settled on me.  “What did you do, Levi?”

 

Fuck!  Of course he would know that I was the reason for this!  Who else would it be?  I couldn’t look at him, and for a moment it felt like I couldn’t even breathe.  How am I even supposed to tell him something like this?  My heart was racing and I could feel a cold sweat forming on my skin as the shaking got worse.  Carla came over and sat down beside me, putting her arm around my shoulders.  “It’s okay, Levi,” she soothed.  “I’m right here with you.  Go ahead and tell him.”

 

I leaned forward and covered my face with my hands.  “I can’t,” I choked out.  “I just can’t.”  I had never felt such blinding terror in my entire life.  “I can’t!”

 

Carla began rubbing my back as she took over the conversation.  “Levi is the father of a baby girl that was born three days ago.”

 

I glanced at my father between my fingers.  I was sure the coming explosion would be heard way up in Seattle.  Dad just blinked a few times, not really comprehending.  “What?” he whispered.

 

“Levi is a father,” Carla repeated. 

 

Dad blinked a few more times.  “How?”

 

“The usual way,” Carla answered.  I swear I heard a bit of snark in her voice.

 

Dad was now staring directly at me.  “I know, but . . . Levi, how?  What did the girl’s parents say?”

 

“She wasn’t a girl,” I corrected shakily.  “She was a 45 year old woman – teacher at Rose Central.”

 

“What?!”

 

“I’m sorry.  I know it was a mistake.  I just . . . I felt so stressed and so alone at the time.  I know that’s a shitty excuse, but . . .”

 

“Haven’t you ever heard of condoms?” Dad interrupted.

 

“I did use condoms!” I snapped.  “I’m not stu-“  I caught myself starting to yell again.  Actually, I am stupid.  “It was just that once that I let her talk me into doing it without one.  Needless to say, once is all it takes,” I continued calmly though with a tremor in my voice.

 

Dad leaned forward and put his head in his hands.  “How could you, Levi?”

 

I could feel my temper flaring again as I suddenly jumped to my feet, hands balled into fists at my side.  “How could ** _I_**?  Where the fu-“  It’s getting harder and harder to control myself.  I wanted to scream at him so bad.  “I’m sorry.  You’re right.”

 

“Levi.”  I had forgotten that Rico was even there.  “I can’t help but notice that over dinner the other night as well as this evening, you start to yell at your father, but you always catch yourself and hold back.  You’ve been suppressing your feelings for too long.  Doing so can result in a breakdown.  You’re a teenager, so I think that for once, perhaps you should act like one.  Let go of your emotions just this once, in this controlled environment and stop letting the pressure build.  Tell us and show us exactly how you **_really_** feel,” Rico instructed.

 

I shook my head.  “No.  He’s right.  I fucked up royally.”

 

As I started to sit back down, Dad spoke again.  “I trusted you, Levi.  I trusted you to be adult enough-“

 

I was back on my feet in a split second.  “I’M NOT A FUCKING ADULT!  I’M A TEENAGER!  I’M STILL A GODDAMN KID!” I yelled.  They wanted me to act like a teenager?  Fine.  I can do that.  The dam had been cracked and now there was **_no_** holding back the flood.  “I’ve been disappointing you from day one, haven’t I?  I had the nerve to be born!  Worse still, I had the gall to be born a boy!”  Dad looked completely shocked.  “That’s right, Dad. I heard that conversation you had with Dave the night of Mom’s funeral.  You told him you never wanted kids and definitely not a boy and how I was such a problem to you.  I heard that!  I worked so hard to take care of Isabel and Mikasa so that you wouldn’t be bothered by them after Mom died because you said girls were easy since Mom took care of them.  Not that you were ever home often enough to notice!  You never cared that I stayed up at night to make sure you got home safe and that you had a hot meal after a long day of work!  You never cared that I made sure you remembered the girls’ birthdays or that you never remembered mine!  Once Mom died you just tossed us aside and left everything up to me to take care of.”

 

There was no stopping my tirade now.  “You couldn’t even tell me that you had met someone or that you were falling in love!  NO!  You had to let us find out the day the movers came to take our stuff!  No warning at all!!  I had to try to smooth things over with Mika and Izzy.  I’ve tried so fucking hard to make everything go smoothly and to try making everyone happy, but you just have to make it obvious that you think I’m a worthless problem child!  Well now I’ve gone and proven that to you, haven’t I?”

 

“Levi, I-“ Dad started.

 

“I’M NOT DONE YET!!” I shouted.  “You probably haven’t even noticed that I’m not at the dinner table anymore since last Wednesday.   I don’t suppose you even care that the reason I’m not at dinner is because I’m tired of feeling sick every time you tell the whole family that you think I’m some kind of thug that gets into fights at school all the time or that I get lousy grades!  It was one fucking fight!  One!  And it wasn’t because someone called me short!  Just because you’re ashamed of my size doesn’t mean that I am!  I was in that fight because a bunch of bullies attacked another student and I defended him!  And I’ll have you know that my grades are perfect!  Not that you would know, seeing as you’ve only signed my report cards every quarter for the past four years!  You know nothing about me!”

 

“That’s not true-“

 

“Oh, really?”  I was really on a roll now.  “Then tell me.  Did you know that I love to play the piano?  No!  You left Mom’s piano back in Chicago because you thought no one played it!  I fucking played it all the time; even when you were at home for fuck’s sake!  Did you know that most of the classes I take are advanced or college level classes?  Do you realize that I will be graduating valedictorian?  No!  You think I’m just a dumb kid that gets barely passing or failing grades all the time.  Do you even realize I can read?  Did you know that I can play the stock market successfully?  No!  You never questioned where I got my car.  What did you think; that I stole it??  Did you ever notice that we never asked you for money?  No!  And you wonder how I could go off and get a little attention from a woman that was old enough to be my mother.  I knew all along that you hated me!  I was left to take care of my sister’s by myself!  And **_you_** left to spend your time with a family that you liked better; with a boy that you thought was a more ideal son than me!  You never even gave me a fucking chance to be a good son!  I was stressed out, lonely and tired of being ignored.  When Monica came along and offered me attention and a way to alleviate that stress I took it!  Yes it was just sex, but at the time it was all I had!  It was more than you ever gave me!  You want to know how I could do this?  How?  BECAUSE YOU WERE NEVER THERE TO STOP ME!!  YOU WERE NEVER THERE TO GUIDE ME!!”

 

At this point, I fell to my knees, wrapped my arms around myself and tears began to fall from my eyes.  I hadn’t cried since the day Mom died.  I didn’t even cry at the funeral.  I needed to be strong for my sisters, but the last of my strength was gone.  “I promised her.  I promised Mom I would keep everyone happy.  I’ve tried so hard but I’ve failed so completely.  It was impossible to begin with.”  I began to cry a little harder.  “I just don’t know what I did to make you hate me so.”

 

I leaned forward, arms still wrapped tightly around myself as I began sobbing uncontrollably.  I was currently oblivious to the rest of my family in the room.  All I knew was that I’d just gone off like Mt. Vesuvius and made everyone’s life a living hell.  “Levi.”  I ignored Dad as I continued sobbing, no longer able to control myself.

 

Dad got up from his chair and knelt down in front of me, but I didn’t acknowledge him.  “Levi.” He started to reach a hand out to me.

 

Even over the sound of the sobs that wracked my body, I heard my daughter’s plaintive cry from upstairs.  “Juliana!”  I was up in an instant.  I refused to ignore my child’s cries the way my father had ignored me.  Dad knelt with a stunned look on his face as I ran up the stairs.  Moments later, after changing her diaper and regaining at least some small amount of my composure, I returned downstairs with Jewel in my arms.  I was nervous as to what Dad’s reaction would be actually seeing the baby.  I couldn’t even look at Dad as I went and sat down back beside Carla. 

 

I glanced around the room and was met with red, puffy eyes by all, including Rico.  I closed my eyes.  I didn’t want to see the misery I had just caused.  Carla put her arm around my shoulders again.  “I’ve already explained what happened to Monica and that you have chosen to take custody of your daughter.”

 

“Thank you.”  It came out barely a whisper.  I took a deep breath.  “I’m really sorry, everyone.  I’ve made a mess of everything.”

 

“No, you haven’t, Levi.”  I glanced up at Dad in surprise when I heard the tremor in his voice.  The man sat in his chair, head down, arms resting on his knees as his hands hung limp between them.  “You were right, son.  I am the one to blame here.”  I was shocked when he finally looked up and there were tears in his eyes.  “I had no idea I was making you feel like I hated you.  Please believe me; nothing could be further from the truth.  I am so proud of you for taking on the responsibility of taking care of your sisters and for doing such a wonderful job with them.”

 

“But what about what you told Dave?” I asked, still angry.  “I know I didn’t hear that wrong.”

 

“You only heard part of that conversation.  I had started off telling Dave how insufficient I was as a father and that I had no idea how to even talk to you, much less be a father to you.  That was the problem, Levi.  Not you,” Dad explained.  “And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner about the wedding.  At the time, I convinced myself it would be the best way so you kids wouldn’t worry too much, but in reality, it was just because I was too afraid to tell you.”

 

There were several moments of silence before Dad spoke again.  “I’m sorry I made you feel unloved.  I’m sorry I never showed you how much I love you and how proud I am of you.  I’m sorry I was never around.”  He was still crying as he spoke.  “It was the reason I quit my job back in Chicago and moved everyone out here instead of bringing Carla and Eren to Chicago.  I wanted to spend more time with you so I found a job here with less hours and less travel.  I didn’t want it to be too late.    I can’t undo the mistakes of the past anymore than you can.  But I want to try to make up for them now.   I want to try to be the kind of family that I’ve always been jealous of; a family that does things together and talks to each other and helps each other.  I want to be the sort of parent you feel you can always turn to.  More than anything else, I want to get to know you.  I want to know who you are, what you like, what you do.” 

 

He let out a sad chuckle.  “I guess I’ve really proven just how little I really do know any of you.  Especially you, Levi.  I didn’t mean to be so insulting of you.  I know I can be rather tactless.   I never thought you were stupid.  I assumed that you spent so much time taking care of your sisters that you might have let your grades slip.  I should have paid more attention to the report cards I was signing.  I have been so focused on my job that I was oblivious to how brilliant you really are, and I hate myself for it.  I want to try to be a real father to you.  Please, Levi, give me a chance.”

 

I had no idea how to respond.  It seemed almost too good to be true, and at the same time, everything made sense.  I just nodded stupidly in reply, not knowing what else to do.   Dad sighed, probably with relief.  “It takes a lot of courage to take responsibility for one’s mistakes.  At your age, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been willing to accept taking care of a baby that I had by accident.  The fact that you have accepted this responsibility and obviously love this baby shows that you have great strength of character.  More than I can say for myself.   I am shocked, I’ll admit.  I never expected to come home and find out I was a grandfather.  I’ll also admit that I have a great deal of anger towards the grown woman, a teacher at your school no less, that used you in such a way.”

 

I swallowed hard before finally finding my voice again.  “But weren’t you disappointed that I was born a boy?”

 

“Oh, gods, no!  The day I found out Juliana was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life! The day you were born, I was the proudest father at the hospital.  I went around like an idiot showing anyone and everyone what a beautiful baby boy I had.  I was in high school and early college when I swore I didn’t want kids.  I also swore to never fall in love or get married, and your Uncle Dave would never let me forget it.  But that all changed when I met your mother.  Those were the best oaths I ever broke!”  Dad paused a moment.  “Speaking of David, why is it that you three are so uneasy about him?  He’s coming to visit next week and I’d like to know before then if I should change those plans.”

 

“He tried to rape Levi,” Mikasa blurted out. “The sick bastard is a pedophile!  We always slept together in the same room to protect each other from him.”

 

Dad’s mouth fell open and he immediately turned to look at me.  “Is this true?”

 

I couldn’t look him in the eye as I held Jewel close and whispered a pathetic, “Yes.”

 

“He always had this creepy look on his face when he looked at Big Brother and would always tell him how beautiful he was,” Izzy confirmed.  “And he would try to touch Levi’s private places or try to kiss him on the mouth.”

 

“That last night that he watched us, before you began leaving us home alone,” Mikasa started to explain.  “he caught Levi alone in the hall coming back from the bathroom.  We came running out when we heard Levi shout.  Dave had him pinned to the floor and had torn Levi’s shirt off and was trying to get his pants off.  Levi kicked him off and . . . and . . .”

 

“Big Brother kicked the shit out of him!” Izzy burst in.  “And then he dragged Dave down the stairs and literally threw him out the door and told him to never come back!”

 

This is when my mind finally realizes that there has been a great deal of cussing going on.  Even with all that is running through my head right now, I find myself wondering why Carla hasn’t been pinching ears.  

 

I glanced up at Dad’s face.  The man was white as a sheet.  “Wh-why didn’t you tell me?” he breathed.  “All those times I trusted all of you to his care . . .”  Horror was written on his face.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Because it would make you unhappy.  I promised Mom to keep the family happy.  You look up to Dave so much and I didn’t want to come between you two,” I replied.

 

Tears were again running down Dad’s face.  “I’m so sorry.  I made you feel that my brother was more important than my own children.  Please forgive me.”

 

“But he’s your brother.  You said he practically raised you!”  I protested.

 

“Nothing he has done for me gives him the right to assault my son!” Dad retorted vehemently.  “I trusted that man to protect my children and he has betrayed that trust in the worst possible way!  He has betrayed all of you! He has betrayed **_me_**!  What he did was unforgivable!”

 

Rico interjected.  “Levi, you convinced your sisters to keep this a secret, but didn’t you think that maybe David would tell you father that you attacked him?”  I had again forgotten she was there.

 

“Tch!  Not likely!”  I snorted.  “He made a point of never showing Dad his true colors.  What was he going to say? ‘I’m a pedophile and your son kicked the shit out of me because I tried to rape him.’?   As I recall, Dave told Dad that he fell down the stairs trying to run down in his socks and slipped.”

 

Dad’s eyes were wide with horror and realization.  “Of course!  I remember that now!  I’m so stupid!  I should have seen it!”

 

“No, Mr. Ackerman,” Rico disagreed.  “You saw what David and your kids wanted you to see, and as any father would, you wanted to believe your children and your brother.  You were given no reason to believe otherwise.”

 

“But still . . . to have allowed something like that to happen under my own roof to my own family . . . by a member of the family!  It’s too horrible and infuriating to comprehend!” Dad fumed.

 

“I hate him, Dad.  I really do,” Mikasa sniffled.

 

“I know, sweetheart,” Dad acknowledged.  “That man is **_NEVER_** coming near this family again!  I won’t let him!”

 

I felt horrible.  Ironic, really; I thought Dad hated me, but deep down I must have known otherwise or I wouldn’t have been afraid to tell him what David did.  Somehow I knew that this would cause a rift between Dad and his brother, which means I knew Dad really cared about me.  “I’m so sorry, Dad,” I said.  “This is all my fault.”

 

“NO!” Dad quickly said.  “This is in no way your fault!  David is the one who betrayed my trust.  David is the one who tried to hurt you.  He’s the one who traumatized my children!  You are not the one to blame for his abhorrent acts!  Please, Levi, don’t blame yourself for this!  I wish I had known a long time ago . . . before it went that far.”

 

Silence filled the house.  “Please, Levi, Mikasa, Isabel, forgive me.  I want so desperately to be a good father to all of you.  I allowed my fear that I felt when your mother died to guide my thoughts and actions, but now I just want to change that.  I want to be here for you.  I don’t want to miss any more of your lives.  Can you find it in your hearts to give me another chance?”

 

Mikasa actually responded before Isabel.  She got up and went over to hug Dad.  “Of course I can, Dad.”

 

Izzy jumped up and followed her sister’s example.  “Me too, Dad!  We’re a real family again!” she chirped excitedly.

 

“I’m in too,” I said quietly as Jewel squirmed in my arms, squeaking softly.  She was getting hungry no doubt.

 

Dad came and sat down beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders on top of Carla’s and kissed me on my left temple.  “Thank you, Levi.”  He looked down at Jewel.  “She’s beautiful.  What’s her name?”

 

“I named her Juliana Ackerman.”

 

“After your mother; I think that’s fitting.”  He sighed in a happy kind of way.  “It’s pure serendipity that something as beautiful and wonderful as this little baby can come forth as the result of so many mistakes,” he smiled.  “Do you mind if I hold my granddaughter?”

 

I smiled back at him.  “Sure, **_grandpa_** ,” I replied snarkly.  “I need to go heat up a bottle for her anyway.”  I set Juliana in Dad’s arms.

 

“I’d forgotten just how wonderful it is to hold a tiny new life in my arms,” he said as he smiled down at her.  Apparently even a grown man can be reduced to blabbering cutesy gibberish when confronted by a baby.

 

I returned a few minutes later to find everyone fawning over Jewel as she lay in Dad’s arms.  He offered to feed her, I let him.  I went and sat in the chair he had previously occupied, since it was currently a little crowded around the sofa.  I have some personal space issues . . . and issues with crowds. 

 

Dad looked up at me as Jewel drank her formula like it was going out of style.  “Levi, I want you to know that I will be here for you and I will help you in every way you need.  That includes helping with Juliana.  What you did was wrong, but it’s not your mistake alone.  You’re teacher is no longer alive to take on the responsibility, but you have willingly accepted it, and so will I.”

 

“We’re a family now,” Carla said.  “You needn’t feel alone.  We will always be here at your side.”

 

I closed my eyes and sighed contentedly.  I’m not alone.  I don’t have to carry this burden alone anymore.  That was when it hit me – a moment of epiphany.  My eyes snapped open and I blurted out, “I’ve been blind!”

 

Everyone looked at me in surprise.  “Ugh!  I’m such an idiot!  It’s been right in front of me the whole time!”

 

“What’s wrong, Levi?”  Mika asked, concern written on her face.

 

“Nothing’s wrong!  It’s right!”  I paused a moment to gather my racing and scattered thoughts.  “Mika, you were right.  When you told me the other night about what Mother meant when she had me promise to keep the family happy.”

 

Mikasa cocked her head to one side slightly.  “She never meant for you do keep others happy at the cost of your own happiness.  She wanted the entire family to be happy, including you.”

 

“That’s right!  The _FAMILY_!  That’s the whole point!  We’re a family!  That’s what Carla’s been trying to tell me!  We’re a family – that means we’re never alone!  We don’t have to carry our burdens alone!”  I’m pretty sure I’m sounding like some kind of scary fanatic at this point.  “I’ve been trying to keep the peace and keep everyone happy all by myself, so of course I failed!  It’s too much for one person!  If I had spoken up to Dad a long time ago . . . If I had shared my burden then . . .”

 

“’If’ is an illusion,” Rico stated.  “There is no ‘if’.”

 

I closed my eyes and face palmed.  “Right.  I realize it now.  Nothing is perfect.  But we support each other.  I’m not making any sense, am I?”  I looked around at the stunned faces around me.

 

Carla smiled.  “You need never carry a burden by yourself.  I told you before I knew what I was getting into when I married your father.   Our job as members of this family is to help make each other happy and our burdens as light as possible.  But to do that, we must share our burdens and trust each other to carry them.  Like you said, nothing is perfect, but it takes a little storm now and then to keep the air clear.”

 

Dad, still cradling Jewel in his arms, leaned over and kissed his wife.  “I knew there was a reason I fell in love with you!”  He withdrew and looked lovingly into her eyes.  “I can never thank you enough for being there for Levi when he needed someone the most.”

 

“Neither can I,” I agreed.  “You were a life saver!  Thank you, Mom.”  I suddenly clapped my hand over my mouth, realizing that I had just called Carla ‘Mom’.  In fact, I had called her that several times today.  “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be,” Carla replied.  “I feel very honored to have you feel comfortable enough to call me that.”

 

I know I’ve said this before, but that woman is a saint!

 

 

 


	8. Aftermath of the Storm

We were up well into the night talking out our problems and misunderstandings.  It felt so good to get this terrible pressure off my chest and to know that I wasn’t as alone as I had thought.  We were up so late that Dad kept us all home from school and he took the day off from work for “family bonding”. 

 

It was a day of relaxed talking and shopping for clothes and supplies and the obligatory toys for Juliana.  Mom and Dad also decided that Juliana should be kept in their room until she was old enough to have her own room, because Eren and I needed our sleep as growing teens still in high school.  It took the entire day, but we finally got most everything worked out.

 

The next morning at school, I realized that there was a backlash from my actions to be dealt with here as well.  I’m not sure how it started; probably with a fellow student seeing my family and I out and about the prior day or the baby seat in my car and drew the obvious conclusions.  I could hear the whispers as I walked to my first class.  Some of the stories in the rumor mill were totally off the wall.  I think my favorite involved me being raped by an alien and giving birth to a hybrid . . . no joke, that was one of the rumors. There are all kinds of weirdos in this school.

 

By homeroom, I’d had enough.  If I didn’t do something now, my life was going to be a living hell.  I raised my hand to get Mr. Randolf’s attention.  “Yes, Mr. Ackerman?”

 

“I’d like to say something to the class, with your permission.”

 

“Of course.  Go ahead.”

 

At first I sat silently there like a complete idiot, not entirely sure how I wanted to word this.  Don’t over think this, Levi.  I took a deep breath and just started talking.  “Listen.  I’ve heard all the rumors running around the school like wildfire this morning.  I have heard no less that fifteen variations on the same rumor.  I am speaking now to put all of those rumors to rest with the truth.”  I paused for dramatic effect (okay, it was for pure terror).  “The fact is I am the father of a healthy baby girl.”  A murmur rippled through the room.  “I made some really bad mistakes.  I let my hormones and teenage angst guide my decisions.  I let a woman that was old enough to be my mother, convince me that it was okay to have sex even though we both knew it was illegal.   I made an even bigger mistake when I allowed her to convince me to have sex without protection.  It was only once.  I was always really careful until that one time.”  I sighed as I thought about what a stupid teenager I really was.  “When your teachers and parents say ‘it takes only once’, they are **_not_** kidding.  It really does take just one time without protection to get a female pregnant.”

 

I looked around at the faces of my classmates.  There were a couple of judgmental looks, but mostly understanding.  My courage bolstered, I took another deep breath and continued.  “The one thing that got me in the most trouble was the fact that I failed to remember that I am just a teenager.  Science has proven that our brains are not yet developed enough for rational and reasonable thinking.  I am living proof of this.  We are all teenagers, and not adults.  Never let an adult convince you that sex with them is okay.  They are the predators, and we are the prey.  I don’t care how much you think you ‘love’ them or they ‘love’ you, because it’s just sex – nothing more.  Never, ever have sex without protection.  I don’t care if the girl is on the pill.   Always wear a condom.  Girls, always insist that your partner wears a condom.  If they refuse, then cross your legs and tell them to go fuck themselves.”

 

I looked back down at my desk.  “I made a whole slew of mistakes.  The result was my daughter, Juliana.  Her mother died on Monday from a ruptured brain aneurism.  I have chosen to take responsibility for my mistake and raise my daughter in a loving family.  I have to count myself extremely lucky that I actually have such a loving and supportive family.  Not everyone in my situation has that kind of good fortune.  A lot of kids in my situation get kicked out of the family and shunned by others.”

 

“I guess what I’m trying to say, is be careful and learn from the mistakes of others.  Don’t make the mistakes I made.”  I slumped back in my chair, done with a speech that ended up far longer than I expected. 

 

After a moment of silence, Mr. Randolf spoke up.  “Thank you, Mr. Ackerman.  That took a great deal of courage.  I would ask all of you to heed his warnings and his example.  His willingness to admit to and to take responsibility for his actions is most admirable.”

 

One of the students in my homeroom was in the journalism club and he did an article on my story, sticking to the facts (under pain of death).  Now that the entire school knew the truth, everything went smoother from there.  Life is so much easier and less stressful when you’re not trying to keep secrets. 

 

In retrospect, the whole experience, though it seemed traumatic at the time, starting with the day we came home to find the movers taking all our stuff out of our house in Chicago, was in reality, the start of the best thing to happen to me.  I now have a family.  I know how foolish it is to refuse to communicate and talk feelings out.  I now know my father loves me and that I am NEVER alone.

 

As I’ve said before, nothing is perfect.  But it can come close.  Eren and I have had our territorial tiffs, and I still butt heads with Dad on occasion, but we talk things out now, rather than bottling them up inside. 

 

The Friday after I brought my daughter home, I got home from school to find a moving truck outside the house.  After an initial pang of residual fear, I realized that the movers were unloading.  I got in the house and found them setting up my mother’s piano in the corner of the living area in front of the windows.   I couldn’t believe it.  The Sunday when we unloaded the moving container and Dad realized I was upset about the piano, he had called a moving company the next day to bring the instrument out to Oregon for me.

 

I spent the next two hours carefully tuning the grand piano as my mother had taught me, and then played well into the night.  I was lucky that my family enjoyed listening and singing along with me.  It’s been several months since then.  Spring is finally beginning to bloom and, frankly I’m loving my new life here.

 

Mikasa is obviously happy too.  I’ve never seen her smile and laugh so much.  Surprisingly, she has taken quite a shine to Eren (especially considering her initial disliking of him).  They can try to hide it, but they’ll be dating before the end of the school year.  She’s actually making friends here.   She and Annie are two of a kind.  Jean is a little disappointed that Mika seems to like Eren better, but he’ll get over it.  He’s still a good friend to her.

 

Izzy . . . well, Izzy has never had trouble making friends.  The surprise is that she seems to have found herself a boyfriend.  His name is Farlan Church and he’s also in the drama club.  Speaking of which, our production of _The Tempest_ was a big hit, especially when Eren and I sang Prospero’s speech at the end.  We are currently preparing to do a musical called _Kiss Me Kate_.  Izzy has landed the top supporting role.  Boy is she excited.  A girl nicknamed Hitch got the leading role (as the shrew!).

 

A few weeks ago, I finally drummed up the courage to ask my geochemistry lab partner out on a date.  Zoe is weird, but I kinda find that to be endearing.  She makes me laugh and keeps me honest with myself.  Of equal importance, is that she really loves Juliana.  And so life goes on.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I have no way of knowing what ups and downs await me.  But I do know one thing.  I will never have to shoulder my burdens alone.


End file.
